Thankful

Some (even I) would say it's cliche and expected to write a blog post about being thankful on Thanksgiving...  but isn't that what the day is about? It's to remind us to be thankful.  I also decided that because my last couple of posts have been depressing, and lamenting what I don't have, it was appropriate for me to write about what I do have that I'm thankful for.  So here is a list of random things that I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

I'm thankful for my husband:

    I'm thankful for the way he teaches me.  I learn so much from him, by talking things through, by watching him do things, and sometimes by him actually, purposely teaching me something.

    I'm thankful for the time I get to spend with him - whether it's watching movies, playing video games, playing music, cooking (yes, he cooks with me - we spent 3 hours in the kitchen together today cooking for Thanksgiving dinner.  He even made two pies all by himself!), grocery shopping, or just being.

    I'm thankful for the way he is there for me.  Whether he is holding me while I cry, laughing with me about anything or everything, or listening to me rant.

I'm thankful for my family:

    That we all get to be together for Thanksgiving for the first time in several years! It's also my husband's first Thanksgiving with my family, since we've spent the last few with his family.

    For my parents who are so generous. For the love that they show me in such a way that I have never doubted it for a moment.  For their example of how beautiful marriage can be.  For always being there, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

    For my siblings who I am proud to call my friends.  It has been a joy to get to know them all over again after being away for 2 years.

    For my brothers' wives, who I am also proud to call sisters and friends. They makes it easy to include them as part of the family. 

    For my nephews and niece- I am so very blessed to have them in my life.  And when they actually interact with me instead of running away from me, it makes my day!  Haha.

    

I'm thankful for my in-laws:

    For my father and mother-in-law, in the way they have accepted me as part of the family, and for their generosity. Also for the things I have learned from them.

    For my many brothers and sisters-in-law!  I love having so many others to call siblings, and am thankful for the way they treat me as one of their own, even when that means harassing me ;)  

    For my grandparents-in-law - they make me feel so loved, and I love the conversations I have with them.  And especially the teasing I get from a certain grandfather (whom I give it right back to.)

I'm thankful for my church family:

    I may have been gone for 2 years, but you'd never know that by the way they've all welcomed me (and my husband) back.

I'm thankful for all my faraway friends who I miss so much.

I'm thankful for all the little people in my life, whether family, church family or practically family.

I'm thankful for our house, that we're slowly but surely making our own, for a little while anyway.

I'm thankful for God's provision, even when we don't know where it's going to come from.

I'm thankful for God's faithfulness, even when we doubt.

I'm thankful for God's sovereignty, because my ways would make me miserable.

I have so much to be thankful for.  

-MNM 

Psalm 13

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? 
How long with you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? 
How long will my enemy triumph over me??

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say 'I have overcome him,'
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for He has been good to me."

Psalm 13 NIV

-MNM

Hope

    I know, I know. It has been over a month since I posted anything... but I never promised regularity! I  write when I have something to write about.  And since my last post was kind of a big thing, I haven't really been sure where to go since then.  I'm still not entirely sure what direction I want my blog to go in, but this is where it's going for now.
    If you did not read my last post, you should go find it.  It's one of only two previous posts, so the search shouldn't be hard...   but for easiest access, it's here.
    I do not know if this place will become somewhere for me to be a voice for those struggling with infertility.  I don't know if it will be to encourage others who are going through the same thing, or just help those who are not going through it to understand.
    Last time, I told the world about our infertility. It wasn't easy for me to publicize, but I think it was time.  I felt liberated, and was encouraged by the response.  And it's time to share a bit more.

Since I was 16 (and possibly before, but I know it's been true since then) I've known that I feel called to be a wife/mother/homemaker.  (I had posted about this on my previous blog, which is no longer accessible because of the server shutting down.) Like my mother who raised (and is still raising, since there's still some at home) and homeschooled 8 of us. Like my mother-in-law who raised/is raising 13 (most of hers are still at home!)  Like my sister-in-law, who is raising and homeschooling 4 (soon to be 5) young ones.  Like many women whom I admire.   It's been my desire most of my life, but for sure the last 9 years.  Every dream I've ever had of what my grown up life looks like includes me being a mother.  My life has almost always revolved around children - whether my own younger siblings, the children at church, the children I've babysat, the children at Vacation Bible School, the children at the daycamp I worked at for a few years.  I  thrive around children. Children are my passion.
Because of this, I hold onto the hope that God will bless us with our own children.

    But what if He doesn't?  
    Will I forever feel a longing, or will that eventually go away?  Will I ever learn to be content? Will I be able to find joy in being childless? I would have to completely change what my vision looks like.  I wouldn't have any idea where/how to start changing that.  Nothing else even appeals to me.
    It is so incredibly painful to think about.   
    But what if I have misinterpreted my dream as God's calling?  What if my entire vision for my life has been misguided?  Or maybe, it is in God's will, but I've turned it into an obsession/idol and because of that I need to get my priorities straight first.  It could be a number of reasons, but I may never know the answer, and therefore can't dwell on the "why".
    I recently found a blog  that focuses on living joyfully in their (the author and her husband) Life as Two.  The author has been childless for 9 years, and has come to realize that they are meant to be childless.  She still understands the pain of infertility, but she has found joy too.  Part of me longs to get to the place that she is at.  But another part of me is afraid that, for me to get  there, I would be giving up*.  And I'm not ready to do that. I still have hope.  I still pray for children. I still want others to pray that for me.

    But I also pray for peace and contentment in where we are.   Because, what if.

-MNM

*This is nothing negative about her or her blog.  I am so grateful to have found it. She has not just given up or thrown in the towel, nor does she come across that way.  I just personally feel like if I were to get to the point of "accepting" our infertility anytime soon, it would be because I was giving up.