Hope

       Recently there have been a couple of instances that made me realize that my mindset has changed - to one of hope.
    The first was: I became an aunt again last week, and while my family members were talking about my new niece, they mentioned something about "when you have a baby...", and I was able to have a conversation about when it is my turn - instead of just grieving that this time wasn't my turn.
    Second: I was out shopping with some single girl friends, and found an adorable baby item - a Batman bib complete with cape, and booties (I'm obsessed with Batman, fyi)- and I picked it up and said "when I have a kid, they're getting this!" Not that long ago I would have looked at it and mourned the fact that I didn't have a child to buy it for.
    Third: On a related note, I am actually considering the idea of starting a baby hope chest, for all the things I see that my child will "need", but know that I won't likely be able to find it again.  6 months ago when this idea was mentioned to me, I wouldn't consider it, because at the time it would have just made things harder.  I was pretty hopeless then, and having something like that just seemed like either a reminder that I didn't yet have a child to give these things to, or like a sign of false hope.

   In the past couple of months I have gone from hopeless (where I had been for a very long time) to acceptance, to surrender, and now I've moved into hopeful. (You may have noticed these changes if you've been following my blog since the beginning)  There has been no physical change, simply a heart/mind change. ( I say simply...  a change of heart and/or mind is usually harder than the physical.  And not something we can do by ourselves.)

    Hope is a good thing.  No one will argue with that.  I was telling my husband about my new outlook of hope, and how I didn't know if it was a good thing or not.  And his response was simply "It is."  I know that it is, but I needed the confirmation.  Sometimes I wonder if hope makes the pain gentler or more intense, though. I think that on a daily basis, it does ease the pain (I certainly have more up days than down) But then when the disappointment comes, it hurts even more than normal.  Sometimes I get momentarily scared when I admit to myself that I do have hope,  because I'm afraid it might be false hope.  

    But I have to remind myself, when I'm scared to hope, that my hope is in God.  Just look at the progression of my mindset - hope came after I surrendered.  That's not a coincidence.
The Bible has so much to say about Hope.  Here are just a few passages that I found:
Psalm 42:11 (and really the whole chapter)

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my savior and my God."

Psalm 62:5

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him"

Romans 5:5 (and surrounding verses)

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"

    That last verse mentions both faith and hope. Those two are often mentioned together in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:13, for example), and I believe there is a reason for that.  Without faith, our hope is a false hope.  Without hope, what is faith?    At first when I realized that I was not going to get pregnant as easily/soon as I hoped, I prayed that I would get pregnant/we would be blessed with children/for healing.  But then I started praying that God would help me get through this.  That He would help me trust Him, and His timing. That He would increase my faith, and give me peace in my situation.  That's another thing that goes along with faith and hope - peace.  And now, along with hope, I do have peace.  The kind of peace that only comes from trusting (having faith) that God is in control and knows what's best, when it's best.

Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus"

 

    My prayer for my friends/any readers who are struggling through infertility is not just that they will be healed, but that they will find hope and peace, through faith.    

 Ephesians 3:20-21

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

-MNM
Ps.  I wrote a post back in November with the same title,  but if you read that one, and then read this one, I think you'll find a distinct difference, and that this one is much more suitably named. 

Mother's Day

    Ah, Mother's Day.   What a wonderful day to recognize how wonderful our mothers are.
   I appreciate my mother more than I can express.  I wouldn't be who I am today if it hadn't been for her.  She is my role model when it comes to being a wife, mother, teacher, homemaker, pretty much everything.
 I appreciate my mother-in-law for raising my husband to be the man that he is today.  And for accepting me into her family with no hesitation.
   I appreciate the mothers around me who let me love on their children (several come to mind).

Thank you, Mothers.

    My initial reaction to something that is going to make me sad or uncomfortable is to want to avoid it or pretend it doesn't exist.  That's pretty much impossible with Mother's Day, though.  Everyone on social media is posting pictures of their moms, and talking about how much they appreciate them.  All the commercials/ads and store displays say "buy this for your mother!"  The Sunday School lessons and sermons are all about mothers.  Ignoring Mother's Day just isn't feasible.  Nor should it be - we NEED to appreciate mothers - they are pretty special.  After all, the reason Mother's Day is hard for me is because I know how special mothers are - that's why I so long to be one!

  It has been encouraging to see a few people include "mother's who long to be" in their well wishes on Mother's Day.  And to see others acknowledge that this day is hard for the infertile.  I follow enough infertility blogs that there have been many encouraging words that I have read.  And I also received a very sweet message this morning that was just what I needed to read.  
   
    We need to be careful to not let our pain turn into cynicism, or our envy negate how precious those who are mothers are. When I started writing this blog post last night, that's exactly what I did.  I wrote an entire post, that was just incredibly cynical, bitter, and just not appropriate.  Thankfully, I am in a better place now, and can be more optimistic and encouraging.
    Yes, I cried today, but I was also able to love on the little girls in my two year old class.  And to ooh and aah over the newborn.  And to hold the 5 month old, and enjoy how adorable she was.  Honestly, I think those interactions were healing for me.

My prayer today, for myself, for all my friends, and other readers struggling through this Mother's Day, is that this will be the last Mother's Day that we have to grieve instead of celebrate.  Pray that with me?