There are 3 reasons that I started this blog that focuses on infertility.
1. So that people who know and love me can start to understand what I'm going through.
2. So others who are going the same thing can know that they're not alone, and that all these thoughts and feelings are normal.
3. I was tired of living in a secret because I felt like it was taboo to talk about infertility.
Number 3 is something I'm passionate about right now. The number of people I consider friends who have contacted me and said they're going through the same thing is astounding. It breaks my heart. But I likely never would have known if I hadn't said anything first. This also breaks my heart.
Why is infertility such a taboo subject that we feel like it's a secret we have to keep? Sometimes it's our own choice. But other times, we feel like it would be frowned on to disclose it.
Don't get me wrong - I don't want my infertility to just come up whenever, by whomever. It is still a very personal thing. But I also don't like feeling like it's something I have to hide. I understand that some people who are going through this may not ever want to talk about it. It may just be too painful. Or they may be ashamed. They may be tired of the looks of sympathy. I'm not just blaming everyone else (ie: those who are not dealing with infertility) for the subject being taboo. It comes from both sides. Those who are struggling with infertility don't want others to look down on them/pity them for their inadequacies (because that's what it feels like), and so they hide it. But because they hide it, when others do find out, they have no clue how to interact/relate/offer support. So they either say the wrong thing and make us feel like they are saying "Oh, how cute. You're so worried about this, but it's not that big a deal. Just try [some old wives tale]!"* Or they say nothing at all, and we think they don't care. So we keep hiding it, so as not to be hurt again. It's a vicious cycle.
But, by us keeping it as a secret, we're missing out on something important - the support of those who do know what we're going through. Before I "went public" with my infertility, I only knew of one of my friends who was also infertile. Since I started sharing it instead of hiding it, I have heard of 1, 2, 3, 4... etc friends who are either currently struggling with infertility (whether first time or secondary), or who struggled to conceive the child/children they now have. And while it breaks my heart to know how many people that I call friends know this pain - it's also good to know that I'm not alone in this. And I feel like I can reach out to them as well.
Another positive thing about not keeping my infertility a secret is that now the people who know me aren't going to (or at least are way less likely to) say/ask the hurtful things. ;)
So, for those of you who have never known this pain: when you find out that someone you care about is struggling with infertility, be gentle. Let them know you love them, and are praying for them. Anything more than that will depend on who the person is and what your relationship with them is. More than anything, do pray for them. You can pray that they will be healed, and blessed with children, but also pray that they will know God's peace.
For those of you who are broken-hearted as you struggle to achieve the one thing you want more than anything yet have very little control over - you don't have to start a blog and let the whole world know what you're going through. But I encourage you to let those who care about you know. They want to love you. And knowing how you're hurting will help them know how to love you. Trust me. And they will minister to you in ways that will make you weep.
I don't write this blog because I want people's sympathy. The encouraging words I've received in response are exactly that - encouraging. But I write this blog because I want others to know that while I don't have any answers, I do understand their pain. Please, if you are also going through this and need someone, either to vent to, cry with, or just to "share the secret" with, contact me.
-MNM
*real life experience. The lady didn't actually say this exact thing to me, but that's how it came across.
