I've been reading this book for the past few weeks, called Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Drs. Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond and David J Diamond. The authors are clinical psychologists, who started the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego, after they themselves went through infertility.
There were many times while I was reading this book that I just cried. The thoughts and emotions that they address as normal for a couple going through infertility were all too familiar. Even just the chapter titles hit home. For example:
This Wasn't How it Was Supposed To Be
The Pain of Hope: Why Does it Hurt So Bad?
The Losses of Infertility
How Can I Be an Adult if I Don't Become a Parent?
If Everyone Else Can Do This, Why Can't I?
Grieving for the Pregnancy or Baby that Never Was
Dealing With The World
These are all feelings/thoughts that I experience regularly.
If you are dealing with infertility, I highly recommend this book. They address how to cope with these feelings, but I think what resonated with me the most was just knowing that these thoughts and feelings I'm having are perfectly normal for someone in my position.
If you are not dealing with infertility, but someone close to you is, and you'd like to understand what they're going through a little better, I recommend this book to you too. I know that I, for one, am highly unlikely to just want to sit down and talk to anyone about what I am feeling (mostly because it's so hard for me to have any conversation on the topic without completely breaking down), but I do want those who care to know what I'm feeling. That's the whole reason I started blogging about this topic. Because I want to try to help people understand what those who are coping with infertility are going through.
I got this book from the library and have had it for almost 4 weeks now (with a renewal). I was only a few chapters in when I decided I need to own the book. I will be keeping an eye out for it, and will probably try to order it sometime in the near future.
It might also make a good gift for someone dealing with infertility... but tread lightly there. You'd probably need to be very close to the person you're gifting it to for it to be appreciated. And, only if they've talked to you about their infertility.
I've been wanting to write a review/recommendation on this book, but was waiting until the right time (like, after I actually finished reading the book ;) I almost wrote it over the weekend, but it would have turned into a sob story of negativity - I wasn't in a very good place. Instead, my husband and I went on a long walk and by the end of it, I was in a much better place.
But, since I did just tell you that the reason I started blogging about this topic was so that people would understand what infertility is like (in a small, minute way), I'll share some of the thoughts I was having this weekend. In a less emotional way than if I had shared them when they were happening. Heh
I asked God to just take the pain away. Ultimately, I want it to be resolved by actually having a child, sure. But at the time, I wanted the pain to just stop. To just go away, even if that was by taking away my desire to have children.
I felt like the fact that my husband and I both grew up in large families (I'm not talking 4 siblings large. Try 7 & 12) was making it harder to accept this, because 1. it was more unexpected, and 2. we knew how wonderful large families can be, so we wanted the same.
I wished that children were not my passion, because then it wouldn't hurt so much.
There were a whole lot more thoughts brought on by pain that I can't really put words to now.
I also saw the one month old baby of a friend of mine for the first time, and as I listened to the little noises that she made, wondered if I would ever get to hear my own child make those sounds.
Like I said, I wasn't in a good place. I wanted to pour out my feelings to my readers so I could maybe get a little sympathy, or encouragement. But I won't let myself post online when I'm in that state.
But I'm ok today. For now.
-MNM
