Apparently it was 5 years ago today that I started my first blog. I would link to my very first post, but the site I was using is no longer in existence, so I can't. Sorry! My first blog was not about infertility at all. (When I started it, I was only beginning to expect that having children would be more difficult than I expected.) It didn't really have a theme - I just wrote about whatever. I remember sharing a couple of recipes, and just sharing my thoughts. I'm sure if I went back and read the posts today (which I do have saved somewhere), I would cringe, but they did get me started in the world of blogging, and I have no regrets.
I'd been thinking that I needed to write a new post, after my New Year's post, since that one was such a downer. And I figure my 5 year blogging anniversary is as good a time as any.
If you read my New Year's post, you know I talked about how the end of one year/beginning of another is always a hard time for me, just because it's a distinct marking of time passing. So yeah, it's always a hard time.
But then I generally go into a hopeful time. At least, this year I did. For the past week or so I've had an overall sense of peace and hopefulness. I've been reassured that God has a plan. And not just a general plan for the world, He has a plan for me, specifically. I've been able to rest in that promise. And while the longing to have a baby hasn't decreased any, it's now more of an excited longing, instead of a depressed longing. A looking forward to the day I get to be a mom, instead of "woe is me" that I'm not a mom yet.
My emotions and mindset can change drastically day to day (though it's generally not that often, thankfully!), which can be exhausting and confusing (probably mostly confusing to those around me!), but it's better than staying in a state of depression all the time!
-MNM
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Waiting is Hard
I've decided to start sharing some of the posts that have sat in my draft folder for too long - the ones that were basically finished posts, but for some reason or another, I decided not to share them at the time. We'll start with this one, which was written 9 months ago.
"Waiting is hard"- that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying. But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
We're always waiting for something, aren't we? We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting. I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life. I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment. If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship... which didn't happen until I was 21. That seemed like forever. Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time.... After that, I waited a year and a half to get married. That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long. And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.
But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life. There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me. So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children. (Since I obviously can't control that).
Waiting is hard. And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things. I just pray she learns to be content in the now.
"Waiting is hard"- that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying. But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
We're always waiting for something, aren't we? We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting. I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life. I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment. If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship... which didn't happen until I was 21. That seemed like forever. Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time.... After that, I waited a year and a half to get married. That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long. And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.
But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life. There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me. So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children. (Since I obviously can't control that).
Waiting is hard. And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things. I just pray she learns to be content in the now.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Another New Year
2017. It's the start of a new year. Usually I am excited about a new year starting - about new beginnings. But this year is different.
I usually enter a new year full of hope. But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive. Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents. But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for. 5 years. So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.
I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over. In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing. I'd say it was rather mediocre. Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same. Turns out it was. Which makes me sad. And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need to so that this year is different. But I can't. Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control. I can't just make myself pregnant.
Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude. This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy. I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings. The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down. Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally. I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child. Rest easy. Trust me."
Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude. I'm good at putting on a happy face. It's something I've done my whole life. It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person. But some days are hard. Sometimes I'm just sad. Some days are really hard.
So, you know, pray for us when you think about it. Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).
Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!
-MNM
I usually enter a new year full of hope. But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive. Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents. But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for. 5 years. So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.
I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over. In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing. I'd say it was rather mediocre. Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same. Turns out it was. Which makes me sad. And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need to so that this year is different. But I can't. Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control. I can't just make myself pregnant.
Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude. This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy. I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings. The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down. Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally. I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child. Rest easy. Trust me."
Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude. I'm good at putting on a happy face. It's something I've done my whole life. It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person. But some days are hard. Sometimes I'm just sad. Some days are really hard.
So, you know, pray for us when you think about it. Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).
Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!
-MNM