Support = Necessary

    As National Infertility Awareness Week comes to a close, I have been thinking a lot about our journey.  To be honest,  this week started out a bit rough for me.  Seeing everyone's stories about their journeys just reminds me about how hard this journey is. Not that I ever forget, but it's not always at the front of my mind - I've finally gotten to the point where I can live my life without that being my identity.  Anyway- the beginning of this week I was kind of emotional about the whole thing.

    But I've had several people reach out to me in the last two days, and I realized how blessed I am.  I have an awesome support team.  And it's made up of all sorts of people.  Friends, family, coworkers.  My peers, those older than me, those younger than me.  Those who are personally familiar with this journey, and those who have never experienced it. 
     Some of my biggest supporters right now are four women all right around the same age as me - who all have children.  Two are coworkers, and two are extended family.   They all have their own stories, but none are the same as mine.  I treasure my friendships with each of them more than I can put into words.  They check on me, let me know they're thinking of me, are ok with me talking about our journey, and will talk to me about their children too ( I don't ever want you to feel like you can't share about your kids lives for fear of hurting me. I love children, and love hearing all the cute stories.  Also, I know that your kids are your world, as they should be, so tell all the stories, and show all the pictures! I will ooh and aah over them, and it will be completely sincere.) 

    Ok, so I've got an awesome group of people who support me.  But not everyone on this journey does.  Whether that's because they've been quiet about their struggles, so people don't know they need support, or just because the people in their lives aren't as awesome as my friends (😉).   But if you know someone who is walking this road, be there for them.   I don't know what that looks like for them - it's different for every person.  (I addressed some ways to do that in my previous blog post, so I'm not going to repeat myself).  Having the support of those around you makes this journey just a little bit easier.


   To my support team- I love you!  Thank you for the way you love me.
-MNM

#NIAW2018

This post isn't for me.

    We've been on our journey to parenthood for 6+ years, and have been "public" with it for almost 5 years.   I've experienced the whole realm of emotions that comes with this journey. I've heard every stereotypical piece of advice. I've done tons of research, and tried all the herbs and oils. I've answered all the questions, and cried all. the. tears.  (I have not seen all the Dr's or taken all the medications. But I feel like I've experienced everything else that comes with being unable to conceive.)

    I'm not here to tell you how to interact with me. Or how to best support me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all of your support. I need all of your support.  Sometimes I desperately need it. 

    This post is on behalf of the ones who are on a similar journey, but maybe haven't been on it as long,  or maybe just haven't been public about it.

    That couple that's been married for a couple of years (or more)?  Don't automatically assume that they don't want kids, or aren't ready for kids. Those could very well be true, but don't assume it even if they tell you that's the case. They may just not be comfortable talking about it.

Or the couple that only has one child?  Don't assume that they want to be done, that one is enough for them. Secondary infertility is a very real thing, and I can only imagine that in some ways it's even more confusing than primary infertility.

     In some of the circles I grew up in (and still have some contact with), a couple might be looked down on for not having kids, or  even just not having "enough" kids. (This is where I am ashamed to confess that I have had similar thoughts in the past, and to the people I may have thought that about, I apologize).  Please, don't do that.   There's already too much shame that comes with a struggle to conceive, too many feelings that you've let everyone down.


    So what are some ways to support those who are walking the infertility journey?  That will be different for everyone, but a few of my thoughts are:
Be aware that going through infertility is a form of grief.  We grieve the loss of the dreams, and what we thought our life would be. Every month is a  cycle of grief.  We even grieve for the child who is not yet conceived. 
If the person walking this journey is not public about it, or didn't tell you specifically, it's probably best to silently support them.  Don't ask questions.  If the person is public with their journey, they likely don't have any problem talking about it, and don't mind questions.
Sometimes a simple "I'm thinking of you" is all that's needed.
Be careful giving advice or suggestions.  For one thing, we've probably already heard of and researched whatever you're telling us about (seriously, we research everything), but it can also seem insensitive. (This is not typically the case for me personally anymore.  Depending on the person it's coming from, I generally appreciate when people tell me about something they've heard or read, because it at the very least means they thought of me, but more than that, it means they want me to succeed!)

Those are ways to support those going through infertility.  But friends, just love people!  I was reminded this week that everyone has their own story.  And we very rarely know someone's whole story.   Be gentle with people. Be mindful of your comments.  And treat others the way you want to be treated! 


-MNM