The Desire of My Heart

    Sometimes I'm not sure if spending time with children is more healing or painful.  Young children are my passion, my life.  I thrive around them.  They make me happy.  Any day that I get to spend time with babies, toddlers, or young children is a good day. I honestly can't put into words how being around children makes me feel.  I feel completely happy and whole around them - like "this is what I was made to do."

    But then I have to leave them.  And go home to my childless life.  And it hurts a little bit more than normal.

    Yesterday I got to spend time with 3 precious siblings, all under 5.  I got to laugh and play with the older two, and cuddle the baby.  And I couldn't be happier.

    But today I am home, without any children, and it hurts.  I cry out, saying "God, You know the cry of my heart.  You know my deep desire to have children. You gave me this desire, this passion.  As deep in my core as it is, it can only have come from You.  Knowing that, I trust you.  But sometimes I still  wonder why, when this is from you, you're making me wait so long to pour my heart and passion into my own children."

    I know God has a plan.  I have hope, amidst the pain.   My hope rests in His faithfulness and the fact that this passion/desire does come from Him.   Days like yesterday renew my hope, and make me excited (and impatient!) to have my own child.   I am trusting His timing.

-MNM