Apparently it was 5 years ago today that I started my first blog. I would link to my very first post, but the site I was using is no longer in existence, so I can't. Sorry! My first blog was not about infertility at all. (When I started it, I was only beginning to expect that having children would be more difficult than I expected.) It didn't really have a theme - I just wrote about whatever. I remember sharing a couple of recipes, and just sharing my thoughts. I'm sure if I went back and read the posts today (which I do have saved somewhere), I would cringe, but they did get me started in the world of blogging, and I have no regrets.
I'd been thinking that I needed to write a new post, after my New Year's post, since that one was such a downer. And I figure my 5 year blogging anniversary is as good a time as any.
If you read my New Year's post, you know I talked about how the end of one year/beginning of another is always a hard time for me, just because it's a distinct marking of time passing. So yeah, it's always a hard time.
But then I generally go into a hopeful time. At least, this year I did. For the past week or so I've had an overall sense of peace and hopefulness. I've been reassured that God has a plan. And not just a general plan for the world, He has a plan for me, specifically. I've been able to rest in that promise. And while the longing to have a baby hasn't decreased any, it's now more of an excited longing, instead of a depressed longing. A looking forward to the day I get to be a mom, instead of "woe is me" that I'm not a mom yet.
My emotions and mindset can change drastically day to day (though it's generally not that often, thankfully!), which can be exhausting and confusing (probably mostly confusing to those around me!), but it's better than staying in a state of depression all the time!
-MNM
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Waiting is Hard
I've decided to start sharing some of the posts that have sat in my draft folder for too long - the ones that were basically finished posts, but for some reason or another, I decided not to share them at the time. We'll start with this one, which was written 9 months ago.
"Waiting is hard"- that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying. But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
We're always waiting for something, aren't we? We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting. I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life. I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment. If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship... which didn't happen until I was 21. That seemed like forever. Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time.... After that, I waited a year and a half to get married. That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long. And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.
But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life. There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me. So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children. (Since I obviously can't control that).
Waiting is hard. And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things. I just pray she learns to be content in the now.
"Waiting is hard"- that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying. But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
We're always waiting for something, aren't we? We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting. I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life. I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment. If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship... which didn't happen until I was 21. That seemed like forever. Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time.... After that, I waited a year and a half to get married. That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long. And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.
But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life. There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me. So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children. (Since I obviously can't control that).
Waiting is hard. And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things. I just pray she learns to be content in the now.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Another New Year
2017. It's the start of a new year. Usually I am excited about a new year starting - about new beginnings. But this year is different.
I usually enter a new year full of hope. But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive. Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents. But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for. 5 years. So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.
I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over. In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing. I'd say it was rather mediocre. Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same. Turns out it was. Which makes me sad. And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need to so that this year is different. But I can't. Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control. I can't just make myself pregnant.
Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude. This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy. I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings. The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down. Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally. I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child. Rest easy. Trust me."
Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude. I'm good at putting on a happy face. It's something I've done my whole life. It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person. But some days are hard. Sometimes I'm just sad. Some days are really hard.
So, you know, pray for us when you think about it. Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).
Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!
-MNM
I usually enter a new year full of hope. But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive. Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents. But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for. 5 years. So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.
I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over. In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing. I'd say it was rather mediocre. Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same. Turns out it was. Which makes me sad. And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need to so that this year is different. But I can't. Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control. I can't just make myself pregnant.
Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude. This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy. I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings. The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down. Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally. I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child. Rest easy. Trust me."
Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude. I'm good at putting on a happy face. It's something I've done my whole life. It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person. But some days are hard. Sometimes I'm just sad. Some days are really hard.
So, you know, pray for us when you think about it. Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).
Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!
-MNM
Friday, September 16, 2016
Radar
Let me tell you the story of our newest friend, Radar.
1. last year we were both working 45 hours a week, so I really didn't feel like we had the amount of time that I would like to invest in a dog. 2. In our rental house we're not allowed to have indoor pets, and if I was going to adopt a puppy, I'd want to have it inside! So we decided to hold off on getting a dog.
But then a couple of weeks ago I saw something on Facebook about someone who saw a garbage bag on the side of the road, and it was moving. When they went to open it, there was a dog inside! I thought about how sad that was, and how if I ever came across a similar situation, I would take the dog home. And then I began praying that God would send us a dog in some kind of similar situation.
Let me pause and tell you a different part of this story.
Lately, God has been teaching me about prayer. We've been planning on doing the War Room Bible Study at our church for several weeks now, and I was asked to teach the youth class at almost the last minute. My first response was "I can't", because I didn't feel like I was in the right place in my own life to be able to teach teenagers. But then God showed me that I don't have to know everything myself to teach it - He would enable me. After I agreed to teach the youth, I found a blog post, by one of my favorite bloggers, about praying bold prayers. And then, only a few days before we actually started the Bible study at church, a dear friend gave me a book on prayer during infertility that I've been wanting to read. I've been struggling with my prayer life for awhile as it is, so I recognize all of this as God at work in my life.
Back to Radar.
A few days after I began praying that God would send us a dog that needed to be rescued, I was very emotional, and in the midst of all the emotions, I just said to my husband " I want a dog". And that's all. It wasn't a conversation, it was just a statement. Within a week of when I started praying this specific prayer, and I think the very next day after I told my husband that, I was at my parent's house to pick something up (actually the book for the Bible study), and my sisters said "hey, we should send the dog home with Melissa." Of course, I was curious. They proceeded to tell me that my dad had seen a vehicle drive down the street, stop in front of the next door neighbor's house, and drop this dog off. (So sad that people do that...). They described the dog as "an ugly little thing", and said it had stuck around for awhile, but that their own dog had scared it into a pile of scrap metal. So we went out there and looked for it for a little while, but couldn't find it, and I had somewhere to be. I told them that if they saw it again, to call me. I went home and told my husband that we might end up with a dog, and then sheepishly told him I had been praying for one! The next morning I saw my brother at work, and asked him about it - he said they hadn't seen it again. I wasn't too disappointed, and went on with my day. That evening while I was cooking supper, my mom called me and told me the dog was back. I told her we'd be over in a little while, because I was going to bring it home. When we got over there, my dad was trying to coax it into a box with food (the poor little guy was obviously starving). We finally managed to get him into the box, and we took him home (after a quick stop at the dollar store for some necessary immediate supplies). We were real gentle with him, because he was terrified. But he quickly warmed up to us, and realized we weren't going to hurt him. The next day I was able to spend some time just sitting with him outside, and he jumped up in my lap. Then, I went to get in my car to go pick up my husband, and he jumped in the car with me! So I took him for a ride.
It took us two days to name him, but we finally settled on Radar. He is obviously used to being around people, and riding in the car. We are guessing he might be an older dog - he kind of looks like he's going grey, his teeth aren't in the best condition, and he is much more content to just sit and be petted than to run around and play. We are very thankful that while he looks at least mostly Chihuahua, he doesn't have the stereotypical attitude of a chihuahua. He's very gentle and sweet, and doesn't yap all the time. He moans more than anything, which is hilarious.
So that's the story of how we met Radar. And you see, Radar is more than just a dog that we adopted. He was a reminder from God that He does answer prayers. And if He answers the one's that really aren't even that important, should we not trust Him to answer the big life changing one's as well? God used this tiny chihuahua dog to encourage me in my faith in Him.
-MNM
Friday, July 15, 2016
Hope Vs Expectations
There are lots of different emotions that one feels while on a journey of infertility. The most obvious is sadness, with anger following closely. But also hope. Uncertainty.
And sometimes fear is the dominant feeling.
For instance, I'm often afraid that I will never be a mom. I'm afraid of not knowing what to do next. I'm afraid of not being in control.
And lately, I've been afraid of the hope that I feel. And that in itself is scary. Hope itself is such a positive,encouraging, and well, hopeful, feeling. But there tends to always be a bit of fear, mixed in with the hope, because if I get my hopes up, the disappointment will be a harder fall when the pregnancy test is negative. If I don't get my hopes up, then there's no let down. But I can't *not* get my hopes up, because then I live in a place of despair all the time. And if not despair, it's at least apathy, and that's not really a healthy place to be either.
Currently I'm trying to find the balance between not expecting to get pregnant every month, but still having hope that I will. It's the expectation that actually makes the disappointment hurt so much.
Basically, I have to learn how to let go of the expectation, without giving up the hope. There is a very fine line there, and I'm still learning how to recognize it. It's actually not something I had thought about before, but it was pointed out to me in a conversation I had with some wise ladies not too long ago, and it really stuck with me.
"Just stop trying, and then you'll get pregnant!" is advice commonly given to those trying to conceive. (I was told the same thing before I met my husband - "just stop looking, and that's when he'll show up." Ironically enough... that's kind of what happened. Ugh. I hate when people are right.). I've always thought "but how can I just stop trying, when it's something I want so badly, and something I'm so aware of?! I can't turn my heart's desire off!" But maybe this concept of letting go of expectations is how I can "stop trying".
I think a lot of it also comes down to how I am understanding the word "Hope". Because, just as my preacher father always says about love "there's a difference between 'I love this pizza, I love my dog & I love my wife'," there are differences in the way we use the word hope. We hope that our favorite band will come to a town near us. We hope that the line at the drive thru will be short. We hope we find a close parking spot. But we also have hope in God, knowing that "all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Having hope vs expectations requires faith. God, help me put my faith in you.
-MNM
And sometimes fear is the dominant feeling.
For instance, I'm often afraid that I will never be a mom. I'm afraid of not knowing what to do next. I'm afraid of not being in control.
And lately, I've been afraid of the hope that I feel. And that in itself is scary. Hope itself is such a positive,encouraging, and well, hopeful, feeling. But there tends to always be a bit of fear, mixed in with the hope, because if I get my hopes up, the disappointment will be a harder fall when the pregnancy test is negative. If I don't get my hopes up, then there's no let down. But I can't *not* get my hopes up, because then I live in a place of despair all the time. And if not despair, it's at least apathy, and that's not really a healthy place to be either.
Currently I'm trying to find the balance between not expecting to get pregnant every month, but still having hope that I will. It's the expectation that actually makes the disappointment hurt so much.
Basically, I have to learn how to let go of the expectation, without giving up the hope. There is a very fine line there, and I'm still learning how to recognize it. It's actually not something I had thought about before, but it was pointed out to me in a conversation I had with some wise ladies not too long ago, and it really stuck with me.
"Just stop trying, and then you'll get pregnant!" is advice commonly given to those trying to conceive. (I was told the same thing before I met my husband - "just stop looking, and that's when he'll show up." Ironically enough... that's kind of what happened. Ugh. I hate when people are right.). I've always thought "but how can I just stop trying, when it's something I want so badly, and something I'm so aware of?! I can't turn my heart's desire off!" But maybe this concept of letting go of expectations is how I can "stop trying".
I think a lot of it also comes down to how I am understanding the word "Hope". Because, just as my preacher father always says about love "there's a difference between 'I love this pizza, I love my dog & I love my wife'," there are differences in the way we use the word hope. We hope that our favorite band will come to a town near us. We hope that the line at the drive thru will be short. We hope we find a close parking spot. But we also have hope in God, knowing that "all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Having hope vs expectations requires faith. God, help me put my faith in you.
-MNM
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
The Blessing of Family
I recently thought of yet another reason (there's a very long list) that I can't wait to have kids. It came to me after spending several days with my husband's brother's family of 7. They had come to visit us for the first time, and I so enjoyed having 5 young children running around my house and begging for my attention. While they were here, we also got together with my brother's family of 7. I had 10 of my 11 nieces and nephews together, all ages 9 and under. It was amazing.
It wasn't just having 10 young children surrounding me that made me come to a realization, though. It was these specific 10 children (and their parents). You see, one reason I can't wait to have kids is because not only will they have a lot of cousins and aunts & uncles, they have some awesome cousins, aunts & uncles, and grandparents! We are blessed with amazing family, on both sides, and I can't wait to raise my own kids to love and be loved by all of them.
-MNM
It wasn't just having 10 young children surrounding me that made me come to a realization, though. It was these specific 10 children (and their parents). You see, one reason I can't wait to have kids is because not only will they have a lot of cousins and aunts & uncles, they have some awesome cousins, aunts & uncles, and grandparents! We are blessed with amazing family, on both sides, and I can't wait to raise my own kids to love and be loved by all of them.
-MNM
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Years Day Ambitions, Hopes, & Dreams
Yesterday I expressed a negative emotional response to it being the end of the year. Today I don't necessarily feel much more positive, but have decided to take a positive view of the new year anyway.
There is something refreshing about the beginning of a new year. No matter how one feels about the previous year as a whole, we now have a brand new year! It's a fresh start.
I'm not one to make resolutions, but last year I made two - one was to take Brad Paisley's quote
The second was to only read books that I already owned - not to buy any new ones, or get any from the library- because I own so many books that I haven't read, or want to re-read. That one I mostly kept... I did buy a couple at used book stores/book sales (that were good deals or I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else), and had a couple given to me that I read. But mostly I kept that one.
This year, I don't have any resolutions that are specific enough to call them resolutions. The biggest things I would love to happen this year are out of my control. But there are a few things that I would like to do differently this year. They can all be summed up under one umbrella statement:
I want to live more intentionally.
Basically, I feel like life has been a highway and I've just been rushed along with the traffic. I want to slow down and take the scenic route through life.
The new year also brings a renewal of hope and faith - my dreams may not have come true in 2015, but I never know what 2016 may hold. I am praying for miracles this year.
-MNM
*Ingress is an augmented reality game that requires physically visiting places, to interact with the "portals" in the app. This is best done on foot, and we've been known to clock several miles at a time!
There is something refreshing about the beginning of a new year. No matter how one feels about the previous year as a whole, we now have a brand new year! It's a fresh start.
I'm not one to make resolutions, but last year I made two - one was to take Brad Paisley's quote
“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”literally, by writing something every day in a journal. That lasted less than 6 months.
The second was to only read books that I already owned - not to buy any new ones, or get any from the library- because I own so many books that I haven't read, or want to re-read. That one I mostly kept... I did buy a couple at used book stores/book sales (that were good deals or I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else), and had a couple given to me that I read. But mostly I kept that one.
This year, I don't have any resolutions that are specific enough to call them resolutions. The biggest things I would love to happen this year are out of my control. But there are a few things that I would like to do differently this year. They can all be summed up under one umbrella statement:
I want to live more intentionally.
- I want to intentionally spend more quality time with God, not just read the "required" passages in my reading plan/Bible study.
- I want to be more intentional in cleaning my house; I can easily spend just a couple more minutes a day cleaning/organizing. It doesn't have to take long.
- I want to make a point to read more books, fiction and non-fiction.
- I want to intentionally get more exercise, even if that is through playing more Ingress* with my husband.
- I want to be more intentional with my cooking/baking. I love cooking and baking, but lately I find it to be more of a chore. I want to find my love for it again.
- I want to intentionally spend quality time with my husband and family. I don't feel like this is something I have regrets about in 2015, but this is always something I want to make sure I do.
Basically, I feel like life has been a highway and I've just been rushed along with the traffic. I want to slow down and take the scenic route through life.
The new year also brings a renewal of hope and faith - my dreams may not have come true in 2015, but I never know what 2016 may hold. I am praying for miracles this year.
-MNM
*Ingress is an augmented reality game that requires physically visiting places, to interact with the "portals" in the app. This is best done on foot, and we've been known to clock several miles at a time!