I've probably written on this topic before, but it's a good one and it came up again today, so if it's a repeat, oh well.
This morning at church the topic of our Sunday School lesson was prayer. The questions came up "Why do people turn to prayer as a last resort?" and "Why do we think that God doesn't hear our prayers?"
Here are my thoughts:
My answer to the first question, "Why do people turn to prayer as a last resort?" is - It's just straight up pride. Just like in any other situation (at work, for instance), we try to do everything ourselves before we ask for help - maybe because we think we can do it on our own, or maybe because we don't want to bother anyone. I think we tend to act this way with asking God for anything too. We think we can do it ourselves, so we try our hardest to make things happen, and only turn to God when we fail. Sometimes it may be because we don't want to bother God, especially with something that seems like small potatoes. But let me tell you something. First off, when we try to do things on our own even if we seem to succeed, the only reason for our success would be because it was in God's will. It's certainly not because of anything we can do. And in most cases, we fail anyway. And as for inconveniencing God by coming to Him with the small things - That's not possible. Our Father loves us so much that He wants for us to come to Him with anything and everything. Think of the people that you love the most. You would do anything for them, wouldn't you? Anything you possibly could. This is a good place to use the parent/child relationship. And while I don't know what it's like to be a parent, I have seen my own parents do everything they can for their children. But while humans have limitations, God has no limitations. He can actually do anything and everything for His children. And, He loves us more than it is humanly possible to love someone. So why would He be bothered by us coming to Him and telling Him what's on our mind? (Matthew 6:25-33 addresses this!)
As for the second question "Why do we think that God doesn't hear our prayers?" : This is something I struggle with sometimes. I know deep down that He does hear me. I trust this. But when I don't clearly hear His answer. it makes it hard. It's obvious to us when the answer to our prayer is "Yes". But it can be hard to differentiate between a "no" answer and a "wait" answer. This is where I struggle. On this infertility journey I can't know if our answer is "no" or "wait", until I either have children, or get too old to have children. That is a hard pill to swallow. But that doesn't mean that God isn't hearing my prayers. It was also mentioned in class that it's about our expectations. When our expectations are not met, we feel like God hasn't heard our prayers. I know for me, it's often my expectations about timing that are not met. When things don't happen when I think they should, I feel like God didn't hear me. But I know in reality that God's timetable is rarely the same as mine, and of course that His timing is supremely better than mine is.
This is where faith comes in. I know all of these things. I believe that God hears and answers my prayers. I believe that His timing is perfect. I believe that He is working everything out according to His perfect plan. And I believe that He has a plan specifically for my life. But I all too often let my own fleshly thoughts and feelings get in the way, and that's when I start to doubt.
And quite often, especially lately, I don't even know what to pray anymore. In these instances, I am grateful for the Holy Spirit who intercedes on my behalf. And I am also thankful for fellow believers who are praying for us. For those reading this who are included in that - I need you more than you know. 💕
-MNM
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Monday, July 17, 2017
Philip
Trigger warning: pregnancy/infant loss
Every year on this day I start to write a post, but it never ends up the way I want it to, so doesn't get posted. We'll see if this year is any different (if you're seeing this post, obviously it is!)
Eleven years ago we buried my baby brother. I never even got the chance to know him, because he died during birth.
Please keep in mind that I'm writing as the sister, which is a very different side than as a mom. I was 17 years old, and remember it all quite clearly, but he wasn't my son, I didn't carry him in my womb. So it will be different.
You see, Philip had Trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality also known as Edwards Syndrome. It was first discovered that he may have it when my mom had routine testing done during her pregnancy a few months before. Trisomy 18 can cause multiple different defects, and Philip's included having a heart that wasn't whole, and an esophagus that didn't connect to his stomach, among other things. As it became more and more apparent that he did suffer from this, we knew he most likely would not live even to full term We had many months to grieve, but there was always still a little hope. We would wait anxiously during every Dr's appointment for Mom to tell us if anything had changed. Sadly, nothing ever did.
Philip Charles was born and died on July 17th, 2006. He had made it to full term, but we knew that even if he survived the birth he would likely only live for a few hours. Mom was the only one who ever knew him alive, and that was only because she carried him in her womb. We did get to see him, and looking so peacefully asleep.
Eleven years later, I often wonder what Philip would be like if he was alive now. Would he be an introvert like my mom and a couple of my siblings, an extrovert like my dad and a couple of my siblings, or somewhere in between, like half of the siblings? I look at other boys around his age, and wonder what kinds of things he would enjoy doing (would he have joined the fidget spinner craze? Or the bottle flipping?! Haha) He was born only a few months before my oldest nephew - I'm sure they would have been great friends! What would he look like (I have a general idea of that, since all of my siblings look very similar!)?
I can't believe that was eleven years ago. I can't believe he would be eleven now! He'll always just be my baby brother.
I miss you, baby brother. I wish I could have known you.
-MNM
Every year on this day I start to write a post, but it never ends up the way I want it to, so doesn't get posted. We'll see if this year is any different (if you're seeing this post, obviously it is!)
Eleven years ago we buried my baby brother. I never even got the chance to know him, because he died during birth.
Please keep in mind that I'm writing as the sister, which is a very different side than as a mom. I was 17 years old, and remember it all quite clearly, but he wasn't my son, I didn't carry him in my womb. So it will be different.
You see, Philip had Trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality also known as Edwards Syndrome. It was first discovered that he may have it when my mom had routine testing done during her pregnancy a few months before. Trisomy 18 can cause multiple different defects, and Philip's included having a heart that wasn't whole, and an esophagus that didn't connect to his stomach, among other things. As it became more and more apparent that he did suffer from this, we knew he most likely would not live even to full term We had many months to grieve, but there was always still a little hope. We would wait anxiously during every Dr's appointment for Mom to tell us if anything had changed. Sadly, nothing ever did.
Philip Charles was born and died on July 17th, 2006. He had made it to full term, but we knew that even if he survived the birth he would likely only live for a few hours. Mom was the only one who ever knew him alive, and that was only because she carried him in her womb. We did get to see him, and looking so peacefully asleep.
Eleven years later, I often wonder what Philip would be like if he was alive now. Would he be an introvert like my mom and a couple of my siblings, an extrovert like my dad and a couple of my siblings, or somewhere in between, like half of the siblings? I look at other boys around his age, and wonder what kinds of things he would enjoy doing (would he have joined the fidget spinner craze? Or the bottle flipping?! Haha) He was born only a few months before my oldest nephew - I'm sure they would have been great friends! What would he look like (I have a general idea of that, since all of my siblings look very similar!)?
I can't believe that was eleven years ago. I can't believe he would be eleven now! He'll always just be my baby brother.
I miss you, baby brother. I wish I could have known you.
-MNM
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Bloglovin'
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Just getting set up with Bloglovin', don't get too excited about a new post. Though hopefully I will have more before too long...
-MNM
Just getting set up with Bloglovin', don't get too excited about a new post. Though hopefully I will have more before too long...
-MNM
Saturday, January 28, 2017
His Plan
Apparently it was 5 years ago today that I started my first blog. I would link to my very first post, but the site I was using is no longer in existence, so I can't. Sorry! My first blog was not about infertility at all. (When I started it, I was only beginning to expect that having children would be more difficult than I expected.) It didn't really have a theme - I just wrote about whatever. I remember sharing a couple of recipes, and just sharing my thoughts. I'm sure if I went back and read the posts today (which I do have saved somewhere), I would cringe, but they did get me started in the world of blogging, and I have no regrets.
I'd been thinking that I needed to write a new post, after my New Year's post, since that one was such a downer. And I figure my 5 year blogging anniversary is as good a time as any.
If you read my New Year's post, you know I talked about how the end of one year/beginning of another is always a hard time for me, just because it's a distinct marking of time passing. So yeah, it's always a hard time.
But then I generally go into a hopeful time. At least, this year I did. For the past week or so I've had an overall sense of peace and hopefulness. I've been reassured that God has a plan. And not just a general plan for the world, He has a plan for me, specifically. I've been able to rest in that promise. And while the longing to have a baby hasn't decreased any, it's now more of an excited longing, instead of a depressed longing. A looking forward to the day I get to be a mom, instead of "woe is me" that I'm not a mom yet.
My emotions and mindset can change drastically day to day (though it's generally not that often, thankfully!), which can be exhausting and confusing (probably mostly confusing to those around me!), but it's better than staying in a state of depression all the time!
-MNM
I'd been thinking that I needed to write a new post, after my New Year's post, since that one was such a downer. And I figure my 5 year blogging anniversary is as good a time as any.
If you read my New Year's post, you know I talked about how the end of one year/beginning of another is always a hard time for me, just because it's a distinct marking of time passing. So yeah, it's always a hard time.
But then I generally go into a hopeful time. At least, this year I did. For the past week or so I've had an overall sense of peace and hopefulness. I've been reassured that God has a plan. And not just a general plan for the world, He has a plan for me, specifically. I've been able to rest in that promise. And while the longing to have a baby hasn't decreased any, it's now more of an excited longing, instead of a depressed longing. A looking forward to the day I get to be a mom, instead of "woe is me" that I'm not a mom yet.
My emotions and mindset can change drastically day to day (though it's generally not that often, thankfully!), which can be exhausting and confusing (probably mostly confusing to those around me!), but it's better than staying in a state of depression all the time!
-MNM
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Waiting is Hard
I've decided to start sharing some of the posts that have sat in my draft folder for too long - the ones that were basically finished posts, but for some reason or another, I decided not to share them at the time. We'll start with this one, which was written 9 months ago.
"Waiting is hard"- that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying. But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
We're always waiting for something, aren't we? We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting. I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life. I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment. If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship... which didn't happen until I was 21. That seemed like forever. Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time.... After that, I waited a year and a half to get married. That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long. And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.
But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life. There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me. So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children. (Since I obviously can't control that).
Waiting is hard. And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things. I just pray she learns to be content in the now.
"Waiting is hard"- that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying. But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
We're always waiting for something, aren't we? We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting. I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life. I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment. If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship... which didn't happen until I was 21. That seemed like forever. Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time.... After that, I waited a year and a half to get married. That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long. And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.
But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life. There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me. So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children. (Since I obviously can't control that).
Waiting is hard. And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things. I just pray she learns to be content in the now.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Another New Year
2017. It's the start of a new year. Usually I am excited about a new year starting - about new beginnings. But this year is different.
I usually enter a new year full of hope. But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive. Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents. But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for. 5 years. So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.
I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over. In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing. I'd say it was rather mediocre. Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same. Turns out it was. Which makes me sad. And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need to so that this year is different. But I can't. Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control. I can't just make myself pregnant.
Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude. This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy. I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings. The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down. Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally. I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child. Rest easy. Trust me."
Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude. I'm good at putting on a happy face. It's something I've done my whole life. It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person. But some days are hard. Sometimes I'm just sad. Some days are really hard.
So, you know, pray for us when you think about it. Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).
Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!
-MNM
I usually enter a new year full of hope. But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive. Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents. But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for. 5 years. So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.
I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over. In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing. I'd say it was rather mediocre. Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same. Turns out it was. Which makes me sad. And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need to so that this year is different. But I can't. Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control. I can't just make myself pregnant.
Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude. This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy. I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings. The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down. Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally. I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child. Rest easy. Trust me."
Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude. I'm good at putting on a happy face. It's something I've done my whole life. It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person. But some days are hard. Sometimes I'm just sad. Some days are really hard.
So, you know, pray for us when you think about it. Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).
Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!
-MNM
Friday, September 16, 2016
Radar
Let me tell you the story of our newest friend, Radar.
1. last year we were both working 45 hours a week, so I really didn't feel like we had the amount of time that I would like to invest in a dog. 2. In our rental house we're not allowed to have indoor pets, and if I was going to adopt a puppy, I'd want to have it inside! So we decided to hold off on getting a dog.
But then a couple of weeks ago I saw something on Facebook about someone who saw a garbage bag on the side of the road, and it was moving. When they went to open it, there was a dog inside! I thought about how sad that was, and how if I ever came across a similar situation, I would take the dog home. And then I began praying that God would send us a dog in some kind of similar situation.
Let me pause and tell you a different part of this story.
Lately, God has been teaching me about prayer. We've been planning on doing the War Room Bible Study at our church for several weeks now, and I was asked to teach the youth class at almost the last minute. My first response was "I can't", because I didn't feel like I was in the right place in my own life to be able to teach teenagers. But then God showed me that I don't have to know everything myself to teach it - He would enable me. After I agreed to teach the youth, I found a blog post, by one of my favorite bloggers, about praying bold prayers. And then, only a few days before we actually started the Bible study at church, a dear friend gave me a book on prayer during infertility that I've been wanting to read. I've been struggling with my prayer life for awhile as it is, so I recognize all of this as God at work in my life.
Back to Radar.
A few days after I began praying that God would send us a dog that needed to be rescued, I was very emotional, and in the midst of all the emotions, I just said to my husband " I want a dog". And that's all. It wasn't a conversation, it was just a statement. Within a week of when I started praying this specific prayer, and I think the very next day after I told my husband that, I was at my parent's house to pick something up (actually the book for the Bible study), and my sisters said "hey, we should send the dog home with Melissa." Of course, I was curious. They proceeded to tell me that my dad had seen a vehicle drive down the street, stop in front of the next door neighbor's house, and drop this dog off. (So sad that people do that...). They described the dog as "an ugly little thing", and said it had stuck around for awhile, but that their own dog had scared it into a pile of scrap metal. So we went out there and looked for it for a little while, but couldn't find it, and I had somewhere to be. I told them that if they saw it again, to call me. I went home and told my husband that we might end up with a dog, and then sheepishly told him I had been praying for one! The next morning I saw my brother at work, and asked him about it - he said they hadn't seen it again. I wasn't too disappointed, and went on with my day. That evening while I was cooking supper, my mom called me and told me the dog was back. I told her we'd be over in a little while, because I was going to bring it home. When we got over there, my dad was trying to coax it into a box with food (the poor little guy was obviously starving). We finally managed to get him into the box, and we took him home (after a quick stop at the dollar store for some necessary immediate supplies). We were real gentle with him, because he was terrified. But he quickly warmed up to us, and realized we weren't going to hurt him. The next day I was able to spend some time just sitting with him outside, and he jumped up in my lap. Then, I went to get in my car to go pick up my husband, and he jumped in the car with me! So I took him for a ride.
It took us two days to name him, but we finally settled on Radar. He is obviously used to being around people, and riding in the car. We are guessing he might be an older dog - he kind of looks like he's going grey, his teeth aren't in the best condition, and he is much more content to just sit and be petted than to run around and play. We are very thankful that while he looks at least mostly Chihuahua, he doesn't have the stereotypical attitude of a chihuahua. He's very gentle and sweet, and doesn't yap all the time. He moans more than anything, which is hilarious.
So that's the story of how we met Radar. And you see, Radar is more than just a dog that we adopted. He was a reminder from God that He does answer prayers. And if He answers the one's that really aren't even that important, should we not trust Him to answer the big life changing one's as well? God used this tiny chihuahua dog to encourage me in my faith in Him.
-MNM