30

    My birthday is in a month from yesterday.  I love birthdays.  I love celebrating, and feel like the entire month of October is one big celebration.  I love connecting with others who have October birthdays, and I love that I always have my brother to share a birthday with (I'm a twin!), even if we can't be together to celebrate (which has happened once in the past 13 years. Sad day).

    But this year I'm having to mentally prepare myself for my birthday.  I'm turning 30 this year, and I am dreading it.   It's not because of the "oh, I'm getting so old and want to stay young!" mentality.
    No, the reason I am dreading turning 30 is because I am definitely not where I thought I would be in my life at age 30.  I expected to be living the mom life - to have a couple of kids by now - maybe even school age!  I never in all my years dreamed that I would be childless at age 30.  Even a few years ago when I realized that having children would not be as easy as I imagined,  I thought something along the lines of "surely by the time I'm 30" or "if I don't have kids by the time I'm 30..." (somehow I thought I could bargain with God about His timetable.  And thought I was giving Him plenty of time... Yeah, that's not how God works). Every year is hard, simply as marking the passing of time, but for some reason this one is harder.  And it makes it even more depressing because I really do love birthdays that much.  If I already didn't care, then I could just go ahead and ignore it.  But for me that would be even more depressing.  I don't want to act like it's not happening, I just know that I will have (already am) an emotional struggle.
    (Friends who are older than me, please, please don't make "aw, 30, that's so cute" or  "I remember turning 30...  x number of years ago" or "30?  Still a baby!" or even "30? you still have plenty of time!" or anything like that comments. It's degrading, especially in this context).

    Up until now, mid Sept, my word for the year has been Hope.  But just in the past two days I have felt God leading me to add (not change - I still need/have hope!) the word Strength.  YouVersion's Verse of the Day today is Isaiah 40:29- "He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless."  And it resonated with me, because I am both weary and powerless.  I'm weary from this long journey.  I'm so tired of waiting.   I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster, and the grief process every single month.   I'm also powerless to change anything. For me to conceive a child is going to require a miracle of God. I can't make it happen. 
     I also noticed my keychain that I won months ago - it says strength on it.  At the time, strength didn't mean a whole lot to me on my journey.  But I noticed it today, and it was a bit more confirmation that God wants to be that for me.   
     And then, for King & Country's song Shoulders came on the radio.  I'm already a fK&C fan, and love that song, but today it meant more to me. 
   

My prayer is for God to be my strength in the upcoming month, and for every day after! He's certainly strong enough to be my strength when I have none.  He can easily carry me down the hard path, when I am too weak and weary to continue.  Thankfully. 

-MNM

Support = Necessary

    As National Infertility Awareness Week comes to a close, I have been thinking a lot about our journey.  To be honest,  this week started out a bit rough for me.  Seeing everyone's stories about their journeys just reminds me about how hard this journey is. Not that I ever forget, but it's not always at the front of my mind - I've finally gotten to the point where I can live my life without that being my identity.  Anyway- the beginning of this week I was kind of emotional about the whole thing.

    But I've had several people reach out to me in the last two days, and I realized how blessed I am.  I have an awesome support team.  And it's made up of all sorts of people.  Friends, family, coworkers.  My peers, those older than me, those younger than me.  Those who are personally familiar with this journey, and those who have never experienced it. 
     Some of my biggest supporters right now are four women all right around the same age as me - who all have children.  Two are coworkers, and two are extended family.   They all have their own stories, but none are the same as mine.  I treasure my friendships with each of them more than I can put into words.  They check on me, let me know they're thinking of me, are ok with me talking about our journey, and will talk to me about their children too ( I don't ever want you to feel like you can't share about your kids lives for fear of hurting me. I love children, and love hearing all the cute stories.  Also, I know that your kids are your world, as they should be, so tell all the stories, and show all the pictures! I will ooh and aah over them, and it will be completely sincere.) 

    Ok, so I've got an awesome group of people who support me.  But not everyone on this journey does.  Whether that's because they've been quiet about their struggles, so people don't know they need support, or just because the people in their lives aren't as awesome as my friends (😉).   But if you know someone who is walking this road, be there for them.   I don't know what that looks like for them - it's different for every person.  (I addressed some ways to do that in my previous blog post, so I'm not going to repeat myself).  Having the support of those around you makes this journey just a little bit easier.


   To my support team- I love you!  Thank you for the way you love me.
-MNM

#NIAW2018

This post isn't for me.

    We've been on our journey to parenthood for 6+ years, and have been "public" with it for almost 5 years.   I've experienced the whole realm of emotions that comes with this journey. I've heard every stereotypical piece of advice. I've done tons of research, and tried all the herbs and oils. I've answered all the questions, and cried all. the. tears.  (I have not seen all the Dr's or taken all the medications. But I feel like I've experienced everything else that comes with being unable to conceive.)

    I'm not here to tell you how to interact with me. Or how to best support me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all of your support. I need all of your support.  Sometimes I desperately need it. 

    This post is on behalf of the ones who are on a similar journey, but maybe haven't been on it as long,  or maybe just haven't been public about it.

    That couple that's been married for a couple of years (or more)?  Don't automatically assume that they don't want kids, or aren't ready for kids. Those could very well be true, but don't assume it even if they tell you that's the case. They may just not be comfortable talking about it.

Or the couple that only has one child?  Don't assume that they want to be done, that one is enough for them. Secondary infertility is a very real thing, and I can only imagine that in some ways it's even more confusing than primary infertility.

     In some of the circles I grew up in (and still have some contact with), a couple might be looked down on for not having kids, or  even just not having "enough" kids. (This is where I am ashamed to confess that I have had similar thoughts in the past, and to the people I may have thought that about, I apologize).  Please, don't do that.   There's already too much shame that comes with a struggle to conceive, too many feelings that you've let everyone down.


    So what are some ways to support those who are walking the infertility journey?  That will be different for everyone, but a few of my thoughts are:
Be aware that going through infertility is a form of grief.  We grieve the loss of the dreams, and what we thought our life would be. Every month is a  cycle of grief.  We even grieve for the child who is not yet conceived. 
If the person walking this journey is not public about it, or didn't tell you specifically, it's probably best to silently support them.  Don't ask questions.  If the person is public with their journey, they likely don't have any problem talking about it, and don't mind questions.
Sometimes a simple "I'm thinking of you" is all that's needed.
Be careful giving advice or suggestions.  For one thing, we've probably already heard of and researched whatever you're telling us about (seriously, we research everything), but it can also seem insensitive. (This is not typically the case for me personally anymore.  Depending on the person it's coming from, I generally appreciate when people tell me about something they've heard or read, because it at the very least means they thought of me, but more than that, it means they want me to succeed!)

Those are ways to support those going through infertility.  But friends, just love people!  I was reminded this week that everyone has their own story.  And we very rarely know someone's whole story.   Be gentle with people. Be mindful of your comments.  And treat others the way you want to be treated! 


-MNM

He's in The Waiting

   What is time to God?  The Bible specifically tells us in 2 Peter 3:8 that

"With the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day."  

Which tells me that God views time very differently than I do.

    Think about all the waiting we do.  And how much we hate it. We hate waiting the shortest amount of time, for the most meaningless things.
    But also think about how much waiting God's people had to do, as recorded in the Bible.

• Noah waited on the ark 40 days for the rain to stop, and then 150 days for the land to dry up. (Genesis 7)
• The Hebrew people waited 400 years to be released from the captivity of the Egyptians. (Exodus)
• The Hebrews then waited 40 years from the time they were released from captivity until they entered the promised land. (Exodus)
• David had to wait 19 years for the fulfillment of his anointing as the next king of Israel. (1 Samuel 16, 2 Samuel 1)
• The Jews waited 2100 years (approximately) for Jesus, their Messiah, to come. (The entire Old Testament)
• As Christians, we have been waiting for the return of Jesus for 2000 years.

    There are also quite a few instances of women in the Bible who waited for children, and while we don't know the exact number of years most of them had to wait, the Bible does say all of them were unable to have children...  but then they did. And more than one was said to be beyond child bearing years.

• Abraham and Sarah waited 100 years to have a son.  (Genesis 17 & 21)
• Rebekah (Genesis 25)
• Rachel (Genesis 29 -30)  (That's three generations in a row)
• The Mother of Samson (Judges 13)
• Hannah (1 Samuel 1)
• The Shunammite Woman (2 Kings 4)
• Elizabeth (Luke 1)

    In the first list of instances, several of those were things that people groups were waiting on for many generations.  Wouldn't you to start to doubt if what was promised was really going to happen?  I certainly would.  But God didn't just leave them in their waiting.

I have a friend who has been on their journey through infertility longer than I have, and is also several years older than I am.  She recently messaged me and told me she was pregnant.  I found this so encouraging, and it gave me hope.  Not because I've ever once thought that God couldn't do it, but sometimes I wonder if He will do it. Not because He's mean and spiteful and doesn't want me to be happy, but maybe because it's not in His will and plan for my life.  (And if that's the case, then He has something different and better for me, so how can I argue with that?  His will be done.)  But I was reminded that just because He hasn't already given us children doesn't mean that He's not going to.  

 My God is infinite, and time is irrelevant to Him.  So what's 5+ years?

Galatians 6:9 "So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up."  (emphasis mine)

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous.  Wait for the Lord."

          Psalm 37:7 " Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him."

Psalm 130:5 "I wait for Yahweh; I wait and put my hope in His word."

Romans 8:25 " But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience"

-MNM

All scripture is taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible translation.

Does God Hear My Prayers?

I've probably written on this topic before, but it's a good one and it came up again today, so if it's a repeat, oh well.

    This morning at church the topic of our Sunday School lesson was prayer.  The questions came up "Why do people turn to prayer as a last resort?" and "Why do we think that God doesn't hear our prayers?"

Here are my thoughts:

    My answer to the first question, "Why do people turn to prayer as a last resort?"  is - It's just straight up pride. Just like in any other situation (at work, for instance), we try to do everything ourselves before we ask for help - maybe because we think we can do it on our own, or maybe because we don't want to bother anyone.  I think we tend to act this way with asking God for anything too.  We think we can do it ourselves, so we try our hardest to make things happen, and only turn to God when we fail.  Sometimes it may be because we don't want to bother God, especially with something that seems like small potatoes.   But let me tell you something.  First off, when we try to do things on our own even if we seem to succeed, the only reason for our success would be because it was in God's will.  It's certainly not because of anything we can do. And in most cases, we fail anyway.  And as for inconveniencing God by coming to Him with the small things - That's not possible.  Our Father loves us so much that He wants for us to come to Him with anything and everything.  Think of the people that you love the most.  You would do anything for them, wouldn't you?  Anything you possibly could.  This is a good place to use the parent/child relationship.  And while I don't know what it's like to be a parent, I have seen my own parents do everything they can for their children.  But while humans have limitations, God has no limitations.  He can actually do anything and everything for His children.  And, He loves us more than it is humanly possible to love someone.  So why would He be bothered by us coming to Him and telling Him what's on our mind?  (Matthew 6:25-33 addresses this!)

    As for the second question "Why do we think that God doesn't hear our prayers?" : This is something I struggle with sometimes.   I know deep down that He does hear me.  I trust this.  But when I don't clearly hear His answer. it makes it hard.  It's obvious to us when the answer to our prayer is "Yes".  But it can be hard to differentiate between a "no" answer and a "wait" answer.  This is where I struggle.  On this infertility journey I can't know if our answer is "no" or "wait", until I either have children, or get too old to have children.  That is a hard pill to swallow.   But that doesn't mean that God isn't hearing my prayers.  It was also mentioned in class that it's about our expectations.  When our expectations are not met, we feel like God hasn't heard our prayers. I know for me, it's often my expectations about timing that are not met.  When things don't happen when I think they should, I feel like God didn't hear me.  But I know in reality that God's timetable is rarely the same as mine, and of course that His timing is supremely better than mine is.  

    This is where faith comes in.  I know all of these things.  I believe that God hears and answers my prayers.  I believe that His timing is perfect.  I believe that He is working everything out according to His perfect plan.  And I believe that He has a plan specifically for my life. But I all too often let my own fleshly thoughts and feelings get in the way, and that's when I start to doubt.
    And quite often, especially lately, I don't even know what to pray anymore. In these instances, I am grateful for the Holy Spirit who intercedes on my behalf.  And I am also thankful for fellow believers who are praying for us. For those reading this who are included in that - I need you more than you know.   💕

-MNM

Philip

Trigger warning: pregnancy/infant loss

Every year on this day I start to write a post, but it never ends up the way I want it to, so doesn't get posted.  We'll see if this year is any different (if you're seeing this post, obviously it is!)

  Eleven years ago we buried my baby brother.  I never even got the chance to know him, because he died during birth.

    Please keep in mind that I'm writing as the sister, which is a very different side than as a mom.  I was 17 years old, and remember it all quite clearly, but he wasn't my son, I didn't carry him in my womb.  So it will be different. 

    You see, Philip had Trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality also known as Edwards Syndrome.  It was first discovered that he may have it when my mom had routine testing done during her pregnancy a few months before.  Trisomy 18 can cause multiple different defects, and Philip's included having a heart that wasn't whole, and an esophagus that didn't connect to his stomach, among other things. As it became more and more apparent that he did suffer from this, we knew he most likely would not live even to full term  We had many months to grieve, but there was always still a little hope. We would wait anxiously during every Dr's appointment for Mom to tell us if anything had changed.  Sadly, nothing ever did.
    Philip Charles was born and died on July 17th, 2006. He had made it to full term,  but we knew that even if he survived the birth he would likely only live for a few hours. Mom was the only one who ever knew him alive, and that was only because she carried him in her womb.  We did get to see him, and looking so peacefully asleep.


    Eleven years later, I often wonder what Philip would be like if he was alive now.  Would he be an introvert like my mom and a couple of my siblings, an extrovert like my dad and a couple of my siblings, or somewhere in between, like half of the siblings? I look at other boys around his age, and wonder what kinds of things he would enjoy doing (would he have joined the fidget spinner craze?  Or the bottle flipping?! Haha)  He was born only a few months before my oldest nephew - I'm sure they would have been great friends! What would he look like (I have a general idea of that, since all of my siblings look very similar!)?  
I can't believe that was eleven years ago.  I can't believe he would be eleven now! He'll always just be my baby brother.

I miss you, baby brother.  I wish I could have known you.

-MNM

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-MNM