Unsung Lullabies

    I've been reading this book for the past few weeks, called Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Drs. Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond and David J Diamond.  The authors are clinical psychologists, who started the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego, after they themselves went through infertility.
    There were many times while I was reading this book that I just cried.  The thoughts and emotions that they address as normal for a couple going through infertility were all too familiar.  Even just the chapter titles hit home.  For example:
This Wasn't How it Was Supposed To Be
The Pain of Hope: Why Does it Hurt So Bad?
The Losses of Infertility
How Can I Be an Adult if I Don't Become a Parent?
If Everyone Else Can Do This, Why Can't I?
Grieving for the Pregnancy or Baby that Never Was
Dealing With The World

    These are all feelings/thoughts that I experience regularly.

    If you are dealing with infertility, I highly recommend this book.  They address how to cope with these feelings, but I think what resonated with me the most was just knowing that these thoughts and feelings I'm having are perfectly normal for someone in my position.

    If you are not dealing with infertility, but someone close to you is, and you'd like to understand what they're going through a little better, I recommend this book to you too.  I know that I, for one, am highly unlikely to just want to sit down and talk to anyone about what I am feeling (mostly because it's so hard for me to have any conversation on the topic without completely breaking down), but I do want those who care to know what I'm feeling. That's the whole reason I started blogging about this topic.  Because I want to try to help people understand what those who are coping with infertility are going through.

    I got this book from the library and have had it for almost 4 weeks now (with a renewal).  I was only a few chapters in when I decided I need to own the book. I will be keeping an eye out for it, and will probably try to order it sometime in the near future.
It might also make a good gift for someone dealing with infertility...  but tread lightly there.  You'd probably need to be very close to the person you're gifting it to for it to be appreciated. And, only if they've talked to you about their infertility.

    I've been wanting to write a review/recommendation on this book, but was waiting until the right time (like, after I actually finished reading the book ;)  I almost wrote it over the weekend, but it would have turned into a sob story of negativity - I wasn't in a  very good place.  Instead, my husband and I went on a long walk and by the end of it, I was in a much better place.

    But, since I did just tell you that the reason I started blogging about this topic was so that people would understand what infertility is like (in a small, minute way), I'll share some of the thoughts I was having this weekend. In a less emotional way than if I had shared them when they were happening.  Heh

    I asked God to just take the pain away.  Ultimately, I want it to be resolved by actually having a child, sure.  But at the time, I wanted the pain to just stop.  To just go away, even if that was by taking away my desire to have children.
    I felt like the fact that my husband and I both grew up in large families (I'm not talking 4 siblings large.  Try 7 & 12) was making it harder to accept this, because 1. it was more unexpected, and 2. we knew how wonderful large families can be, so we wanted the same.
    I wished that children were not my passion, because then it wouldn't hurt so much.
    There were a whole lot more thoughts brought on by pain that I can't really put words to now.
    I also saw the one month old baby of a friend of mine for the first time, and as I listened to the little noises that she made,  wondered if I would ever get to hear my own child make those sounds.
    Like I said, I wasn't in a good place.  I wanted to pour out my feelings to my readers so I could maybe get a little sympathy, or encouragement.  But I won't let myself post online when I'm in that state.

But I'm ok today.  For now.
-MNM
 
 

Holidays: Joyous or Painful?

   Before I start in on what this post is meant to be about, I apologize for any rambling or disjointed-ness.  It's Christmas night, and I've only been home a few hours in the past 3 days.  I'm also running on little sleep and too much food!  Now on to the real stuff.

    It's the holidays, a time when most of the nation is celebrating. There are parties to host/attend, gifts to give/receive, food to cook, people to see, special songs just for this time of year.  The whole atmosphere is different for about 6 weeks during this time of year.  It is considered one of the happiest, most joyful times of the year.
But some people dread this time of year.  Whether they don't like it in general (for whatever their reason may be), or if it's just this year (maybe because this is their first year without a loved one), it can be a really painful time for plenty of people.
    Couples dealing with infertility may find it hard to be a part of all the joyousness when inside they feel like part of them is dying, every single month.  It may be rather emotional for them to be part of family gatherings, with all their young nephews and nieces around.  They may watch longingly as the children gleefully open their presents, wishing that they themselves had a child to buy gifts for.   They may partake in the family traditions half-heartedly, thinking about the traditions they wish they could start with their own family.
    Thankfully, this year for me was not like that.  I may have had a few of those thoughts fleetingly, but mostly, I was just glad to have young ones (both younger siblings and niece/nephews) around, because children make this time of year so much more fun. I got to make decorations with my much-younger sisters.  I joined my family in decorating sugar cookies (so. many. cookies.). I was privy to what my youngest sister bought for everyone.  I even got to be around for a couple of nights of singing The Twelve Days of Christmas before bed!  I got to watch my nephews and niece join my mom in ringing bells for a special song at the Christmas Eve service. I loved taking pictures of their sleepy faces this morning, up at the crack of dawn.  I so enjoyed watching them receive their gifts with excitement.   And watching their faces as they got excited watching everyone else open their presents was so sweet.
    So today, I am thankful for the children in my life, though they are not my own, and how they help ease the pain.

Merry Christmas!
-MNM

To Be Honest...

Days like today are the hardest.  I wait for news that a friend has given birth, knowing that when the news comes, it will be bittersweet.  I will rejoice in the birth of a baby, and be thrilled for the family.  But I will also been envious, wishing I was the one with a newborn baby. 

In other news, this is my "light" reading lately.  Have any other suggestions for good reads on the subject?

-MNM

Missing Someone

    We're all familiar with what missing a friend or family member feels like.  But do you ever miss someone you've never met before?  I occasionally miss my uncle who died 5 days before I was born.  I miss my baby brother who died at birth.  When I was single, I missed my unknown "special someone", (though it turns out I had already met him, and just didn't know he was the one yet!).  I miss the nieces and nephews on his side that I haven't had the opportunity to meet yet.

   And I miss the child/children I have yet to have.

    It's an odd feeling, missing someone you don't even know.  Some people would say you can't really miss someone you've never been around - that it's just a desire to know them. In a way they're right.  But it feels pretty much the same.  There's a hole in your life, that only that person can fill.  With the people who I just haven't had the opportunity to meet yet, I am confident I will meet them and just hope it's sooner rather than later. With those who died before I met them, it's not the same, because I won't ever even have the chance to (until Heaven).

    But for those who are yet to be formed...  that's an even different feeling.  It's more of a hope.
A hope that one day this hole in my heart will be filled with a  mother's love.  That the quiet in my life will be loud with the sound of laughter.  That my empty arms will know messy little hugs.

    What about you?  Have you ever missed someone you've never met?

-MNM

Thankful

Some (even I) would say it's cliche and expected to write a blog post about being thankful on Thanksgiving...  but isn't that what the day is about? It's to remind us to be thankful.  I also decided that because my last couple of posts have been depressing, and lamenting what I don't have, it was appropriate for me to write about what I do have that I'm thankful for.  So here is a list of random things that I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

I'm thankful for my husband:

    I'm thankful for the way he teaches me.  I learn so much from him, by talking things through, by watching him do things, and sometimes by him actually, purposely teaching me something.

    I'm thankful for the time I get to spend with him - whether it's watching movies, playing video games, playing music, cooking (yes, he cooks with me - we spent 3 hours in the kitchen together today cooking for Thanksgiving dinner.  He even made two pies all by himself!), grocery shopping, or just being.

    I'm thankful for the way he is there for me.  Whether he is holding me while I cry, laughing with me about anything or everything, or listening to me rant.

I'm thankful for my family:

    That we all get to be together for Thanksgiving for the first time in several years! It's also my husband's first Thanksgiving with my family, since we've spent the last few with his family.

    For my parents who are so generous. For the love that they show me in such a way that I have never doubted it for a moment.  For their example of how beautiful marriage can be.  For always being there, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

    For my siblings who I am proud to call my friends.  It has been a joy to get to know them all over again after being away for 2 years.

    For my brothers' wives, who I am also proud to call sisters and friends. They makes it easy to include them as part of the family. 

    For my nephews and niece- I am so very blessed to have them in my life.  And when they actually interact with me instead of running away from me, it makes my day!  Haha.

    

I'm thankful for my in-laws:

    For my father and mother-in-law, in the way they have accepted me as part of the family, and for their generosity. Also for the things I have learned from them.

    For my many brothers and sisters-in-law!  I love having so many others to call siblings, and am thankful for the way they treat me as one of their own, even when that means harassing me ;)  

    For my grandparents-in-law - they make me feel so loved, and I love the conversations I have with them.  And especially the teasing I get from a certain grandfather (whom I give it right back to.)

I'm thankful for my church family:

    I may have been gone for 2 years, but you'd never know that by the way they've all welcomed me (and my husband) back.

I'm thankful for all my faraway friends who I miss so much.

I'm thankful for all the little people in my life, whether family, church family or practically family.

I'm thankful for our house, that we're slowly but surely making our own, for a little while anyway.

I'm thankful for God's provision, even when we don't know where it's going to come from.

I'm thankful for God's faithfulness, even when we doubt.

I'm thankful for God's sovereignty, because my ways would make me miserable.

I have so much to be thankful for.  

-MNM 

Psalm 13

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? 
How long with you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? 
How long will my enemy triumph over me??

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say 'I have overcome him,'
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for He has been good to me."

Psalm 13 NIV

-MNM

Hope

    I know, I know. It has been over a month since I posted anything... but I never promised regularity! I  write when I have something to write about.  And since my last post was kind of a big thing, I haven't really been sure where to go since then.  I'm still not entirely sure what direction I want my blog to go in, but this is where it's going for now.
    If you did not read my last post, you should go find it.  It's one of only two previous posts, so the search shouldn't be hard...   but for easiest access, it's here.
    I do not know if this place will become somewhere for me to be a voice for those struggling with infertility.  I don't know if it will be to encourage others who are going through the same thing, or just help those who are not going through it to understand.
    Last time, I told the world about our infertility. It wasn't easy for me to publicize, but I think it was time.  I felt liberated, and was encouraged by the response.  And it's time to share a bit more.

Since I was 16 (and possibly before, but I know it's been true since then) I've known that I feel called to be a wife/mother/homemaker.  (I had posted about this on my previous blog, which is no longer accessible because of the server shutting down.) Like my mother who raised (and is still raising, since there's still some at home) and homeschooled 8 of us. Like my mother-in-law who raised/is raising 13 (most of hers are still at home!)  Like my sister-in-law, who is raising and homeschooling 4 (soon to be 5) young ones.  Like many women whom I admire.   It's been my desire most of my life, but for sure the last 9 years.  Every dream I've ever had of what my grown up life looks like includes me being a mother.  My life has almost always revolved around children - whether my own younger siblings, the children at church, the children I've babysat, the children at Vacation Bible School, the children at the daycamp I worked at for a few years.  I  thrive around children. Children are my passion.
Because of this, I hold onto the hope that God will bless us with our own children.

    But what if He doesn't?  
    Will I forever feel a longing, or will that eventually go away?  Will I ever learn to be content? Will I be able to find joy in being childless? I would have to completely change what my vision looks like.  I wouldn't have any idea where/how to start changing that.  Nothing else even appeals to me.
    It is so incredibly painful to think about.   
    But what if I have misinterpreted my dream as God's calling?  What if my entire vision for my life has been misguided?  Or maybe, it is in God's will, but I've turned it into an obsession/idol and because of that I need to get my priorities straight first.  It could be a number of reasons, but I may never know the answer, and therefore can't dwell on the "why".
    I recently found a blog  that focuses on living joyfully in their (the author and her husband) Life as Two.  The author has been childless for 9 years, and has come to realize that they are meant to be childless.  She still understands the pain of infertility, but she has found joy too.  Part of me longs to get to the place that she is at.  But another part of me is afraid that, for me to get  there, I would be giving up*.  And I'm not ready to do that. I still have hope.  I still pray for children. I still want others to pray that for me.

    But I also pray for peace and contentment in where we are.   Because, what if.

-MNM

*This is nothing negative about her or her blog.  I am so grateful to have found it. She has not just given up or thrown in the towel, nor does she come across that way.  I just personally feel like if I were to get to the point of "accepting" our infertility anytime soon, it would be because I was giving up.