He's in The Waiting

   What is time to God?  The Bible specifically tells us in 2 Peter 3:8 that

"With the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day."  

Which tells me that God views time very differently than I do.

    Think about all the waiting we do.  And how much we hate it. We hate waiting the shortest amount of time, for the most meaningless things.
    But also think about how much waiting God's people had to do, as recorded in the Bible.

• Noah waited on the ark 40 days for the rain to stop, and then 150 days for the land to dry up. (Genesis 7)
• The Hebrew people waited 400 years to be released from the captivity of the Egyptians. (Exodus)
• The Hebrews then waited 40 years from the time they were released from captivity until they entered the promised land. (Exodus)
• David had to wait 19 years for the fulfillment of his anointing as the next king of Israel. (1 Samuel 16, 2 Samuel 1)
• The Jews waited 2100 years (approximately) for Jesus, their Messiah, to come. (The entire Old Testament)
• As Christians, we have been waiting for the return of Jesus for 2000 years.

    There are also quite a few instances of women in the Bible who waited for children, and while we don't know the exact number of years most of them had to wait, the Bible does say all of them were unable to have children...  but then they did. And more than one was said to be beyond child bearing years.

• Abraham and Sarah waited 100 years to have a son.  (Genesis 17 & 21)
• Rebekah (Genesis 25)
• Rachel (Genesis 29 -30)  (That's three generations in a row)
• The Mother of Samson (Judges 13)
• Hannah (1 Samuel 1)
• The Shunammite Woman (2 Kings 4)
• Elizabeth (Luke 1)

    In the first list of instances, several of those were things that people groups were waiting on for many generations.  Wouldn't you to start to doubt if what was promised was really going to happen?  I certainly would.  But God didn't just leave them in their waiting.

I have a friend who has been on their journey through infertility longer than I have, and is also several years older than I am.  She recently messaged me and told me she was pregnant.  I found this so encouraging, and it gave me hope.  Not because I've ever once thought that God couldn't do it, but sometimes I wonder if He will do it. Not because He's mean and spiteful and doesn't want me to be happy, but maybe because it's not in His will and plan for my life.  (And if that's the case, then He has something different and better for me, so how can I argue with that?  His will be done.)  But I was reminded that just because He hasn't already given us children doesn't mean that He's not going to.  

 My God is infinite, and time is irrelevant to Him.  So what's 5+ years?

Galatians 6:9 "So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up."  (emphasis mine)

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous.  Wait for the Lord."

          Psalm 37:7 " Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him."

Psalm 130:5 "I wait for Yahweh; I wait and put my hope in His word."

Romans 8:25 " But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience"

-MNM

All scripture is taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible translation.

Does God Hear My Prayers?

I've probably written on this topic before, but it's a good one and it came up again today, so if it's a repeat, oh well.

    This morning at church the topic of our Sunday School lesson was prayer.  The questions came up "Why do people turn to prayer as a last resort?" and "Why do we think that God doesn't hear our prayers?"

Here are my thoughts:

    My answer to the first question, "Why do people turn to prayer as a last resort?"  is - It's just straight up pride. Just like in any other situation (at work, for instance), we try to do everything ourselves before we ask for help - maybe because we think we can do it on our own, or maybe because we don't want to bother anyone.  I think we tend to act this way with asking God for anything too.  We think we can do it ourselves, so we try our hardest to make things happen, and only turn to God when we fail.  Sometimes it may be because we don't want to bother God, especially with something that seems like small potatoes.   But let me tell you something.  First off, when we try to do things on our own even if we seem to succeed, the only reason for our success would be because it was in God's will.  It's certainly not because of anything we can do. And in most cases, we fail anyway.  And as for inconveniencing God by coming to Him with the small things - That's not possible.  Our Father loves us so much that He wants for us to come to Him with anything and everything.  Think of the people that you love the most.  You would do anything for them, wouldn't you?  Anything you possibly could.  This is a good place to use the parent/child relationship.  And while I don't know what it's like to be a parent, I have seen my own parents do everything they can for their children.  But while humans have limitations, God has no limitations.  He can actually do anything and everything for His children.  And, He loves us more than it is humanly possible to love someone.  So why would He be bothered by us coming to Him and telling Him what's on our mind?  (Matthew 6:25-33 addresses this!)

    As for the second question "Why do we think that God doesn't hear our prayers?" : This is something I struggle with sometimes.   I know deep down that He does hear me.  I trust this.  But when I don't clearly hear His answer. it makes it hard.  It's obvious to us when the answer to our prayer is "Yes".  But it can be hard to differentiate between a "no" answer and a "wait" answer.  This is where I struggle.  On this infertility journey I can't know if our answer is "no" or "wait", until I either have children, or get too old to have children.  That is a hard pill to swallow.   But that doesn't mean that God isn't hearing my prayers.  It was also mentioned in class that it's about our expectations.  When our expectations are not met, we feel like God hasn't heard our prayers. I know for me, it's often my expectations about timing that are not met.  When things don't happen when I think they should, I feel like God didn't hear me.  But I know in reality that God's timetable is rarely the same as mine, and of course that His timing is supremely better than mine is.  

    This is where faith comes in.  I know all of these things.  I believe that God hears and answers my prayers.  I believe that His timing is perfect.  I believe that He is working everything out according to His perfect plan.  And I believe that He has a plan specifically for my life. But I all too often let my own fleshly thoughts and feelings get in the way, and that's when I start to doubt.
    And quite often, especially lately, I don't even know what to pray anymore. In these instances, I am grateful for the Holy Spirit who intercedes on my behalf.  And I am also thankful for fellow believers who are praying for us. For those reading this who are included in that - I need you more than you know.   💕

-MNM

Philip

Trigger warning: pregnancy/infant loss

Every year on this day I start to write a post, but it never ends up the way I want it to, so doesn't get posted.  We'll see if this year is any different (if you're seeing this post, obviously it is!)

  Eleven years ago we buried my baby brother.  I never even got the chance to know him, because he died during birth.

    Please keep in mind that I'm writing as the sister, which is a very different side than as a mom.  I was 17 years old, and remember it all quite clearly, but he wasn't my son, I didn't carry him in my womb.  So it will be different. 

    You see, Philip had Trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality also known as Edwards Syndrome.  It was first discovered that he may have it when my mom had routine testing done during her pregnancy a few months before.  Trisomy 18 can cause multiple different defects, and Philip's included having a heart that wasn't whole, and an esophagus that didn't connect to his stomach, among other things. As it became more and more apparent that he did suffer from this, we knew he most likely would not live even to full term  We had many months to grieve, but there was always still a little hope. We would wait anxiously during every Dr's appointment for Mom to tell us if anything had changed.  Sadly, nothing ever did.
    Philip Charles was born and died on July 17th, 2006. He had made it to full term,  but we knew that even if he survived the birth he would likely only live for a few hours. Mom was the only one who ever knew him alive, and that was only because she carried him in her womb.  We did get to see him, and looking so peacefully asleep.


    Eleven years later, I often wonder what Philip would be like if he was alive now.  Would he be an introvert like my mom and a couple of my siblings, an extrovert like my dad and a couple of my siblings, or somewhere in between, like half of the siblings? I look at other boys around his age, and wonder what kinds of things he would enjoy doing (would he have joined the fidget spinner craze?  Or the bottle flipping?! Haha)  He was born only a few months before my oldest nephew - I'm sure they would have been great friends! What would he look like (I have a general idea of that, since all of my siblings look very similar!)?  
I can't believe that was eleven years ago.  I can't believe he would be eleven now! He'll always just be my baby brother.

I miss you, baby brother.  I wish I could have known you.

-MNM

Bloglovin'

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

 Just getting set up with Bloglovin', don't get too excited about a new post. Though hopefully I will have more before too long...

-MNM

His Plan

    Apparently it was 5 years ago today that I started my first blog.  I would link to my very first post, but the site I was using is no longer in existence, so I can't.  Sorry!   My first blog was not about infertility at all.  (When I started it, I was only beginning to expect that having children would be more difficult than I expected.)  It didn't really have a theme - I just wrote about whatever.  I remember sharing a couple of recipes, and just sharing my thoughts.  I'm sure if I went back and read the posts today (which I do have saved somewhere), I would cringe, but they did get me started in the world of blogging, and I have no regrets.

    I'd been thinking that I needed to write a new post, after my New Year's post, since that one was such a downer.   And I figure my 5 year blogging anniversary is as good a time as any.

    If you read my New Year's post, you know I talked about how the end of one year/beginning of another is always a hard time for me, just because it's a distinct marking of time passing. So yeah, it's always a hard time.

    But then I generally go into a hopeful time. At least, this year I did.  For the past week or so I've had an overall sense of peace and hopefulness.  I've been reassured that God has a plan.  And not just a general plan for the world, He has a plan for me, specifically.  I've been able to rest in that promise.  And while the longing to have a baby hasn't decreased any, it's now more of an excited longing, instead of a depressed longing.  A looking forward to the day I get to be a mom, instead of "woe is me" that I'm not a mom yet.

   My emotions and mindset can change drastically day to day (though it's generally not that often, thankfully!), which can be exhausting and confusing (probably mostly confusing to those around me!), but it's better than staying in a state of depression all the time!

-MNM

Waiting is Hard

I've decided to start sharing some of the posts that have sat in my draft folder for too long - the ones that were basically finished posts, but for some reason or another, I decided not to share them at the time.  We'll start with this one, which was written 9 months ago.



"Waiting is hard"-  that is what the 2 1/2 year old that I babysit told me this week when she had to wait 10 minutes for something that she wanted.  I didn't think much of it at the time, besides how funny/cute it was for one as young as she is to be saying.  But later, I started thinking about how profound those words really are.
    We're always waiting for something, aren't we?  We may even feel like our life just consists of waiting.  I have found myself feeling that way for many years, probably my whole life.  I was constantly waiting for the next exciting thing.
    I am convinced that thinking this way is a sign of discontentment. We need to live in the moment.  If only I could convince myself of that. I waited all of my teenage years to be in a relationship...  which didn't happen until I was 21.  That seemed like forever.  Of course, I know now why I had to wait that long, but at the time....  After that, I waited a year and a half to get married.  That may not seem like a long time, but when your entire relationship is long distance until you get married, it was long.  And now I have waited 5 years to have a child of my own.

    But now, while I am definitely still waiting, I'm also living my life.  There was a time when pretty much all I was doing was waiting, which I quickly realized was not emotionally healthy for me.  So, now I live my life, and while there's always some amount of wondering how things will change when we do have children, I'm no longer planning my life around when we will have children.  (Since I obviously can't control that).


    Waiting is hard.  And, unfortunately, my sweet little girl is only going to learn that more and more as she gets older and has to wait longer and longer for things.  I just pray she learns to be content in the now.

Another New Year

    2017.  It's the start of a new year.  Usually I am excited about a new year starting - about new beginnings.  But this year is different.
    I usually enter a new year full of hope.  But as 2017 begins, I find myself struggling to keep that hope alive.  Because you see, it's been the same thing for 5 years now.  2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 - each year I started out the year with a great hope that that year would be the one in which we became parents.  But each time another year passed, and I didn't receive what my heart longs for.  5 years.  So now I am finding it hard to enter this year with that same hope, for fear of being disappointed yet again.

    I didn't hate 2016. Some would say 2016 was just a horrible year, and it's time for it to be over.  In my personal life, it wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't amazing.  I'd say it was rather mediocre.  Boring, maybe. I just read my New Year's Eve post from last year - in it, I mention that I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same.  Turns out it was.  Which  makes me sad.  And I want 2017 to be different! Most people, when they say that, can  take steps to make the changes in their lives that they need  to so that this year is different.  But I can't.  Sure, there are some things I can change, but what I want most of all is out of my control.  I can't just make myself pregnant.

    Yes, this is a pretty bleak attitude.  This journey is a hard one. I haven't written much this past year, because I feel like there's nothing new to write about. It's the same old, same old.  Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that all is just peachy.  I'm still dealing with waves of the same feelings.  The feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough. Feeling like I've let people down.  Struggling with feeling inferior to those who can have children easily.

    I still cry myself to sleep occasionally.  I still argue with God, asking Him how long must I wait, only to hear Him say "Hush, child.  Rest easy.  Trust me."

    Typically my posts, even when I'm feeling really emotional, have a positive, uplifting attitude.  I'm good at putting on a happy face.  It's something I've done my whole life.  It's not always fake - generally I'm a happy person.   But some days are hard.  Sometimes I'm just sad.  Some days are really hard.

So, you know, pray for us when you think about it.  Feel free to share an encouraging word (which is different than advice 😉).

Thanks, friends. And Happy New Year!!

-MNM