I Know Who You Are

    "Will we ever have children?  Will I ever be a mother?"  I ask God this sometimes.  And sometimes I'm faced with "what if the answer is 'no'?"  What if I never do have children.  Never get to be a mother.  Will I be ok?
    The thought terrifies me.  It breaks my heart.  And I realize that no, I will not be ok if I never get to be a mother. I would be devastated.
    Ultimately the answer may just be "not yet".  But as far as I know, it's"no".  And I'm not ok.  I mean, I'm not in serious depression all the time, nor do I think about it all the time.  Most of the time I can be ok.  But I'm not ok with the concept of never being a mother.

    My prayer lately has been that I will be ok with it.  That I will be able to accept whatever God's plan for me may be - Mother or not.  I can't do this. He has to.  It will only be by His grace and miraculous power, which I fully believe in, that I will be ok with never being a mother.

    I cling to His truth, His promises, His faithfulness.  Because that's all I have left.  Because I know it is true. I don't know what He's doing, but  I do  know who my God is, and I know what He is capable of.

-MNM