Waiting For My Time To Come

     God has been working on soothing this hurting heart lately.

    Lately I've been wondering what I should be doing as far as my infertility journey goes (this is not the first time - it's really almost constant).  Do I need to take different supplements?  Try different diets? Eliminate certain things?   Is it time to pursue medical treatment?  What route should I go with that?  So the other day I was praying in the shower, asking God "what do you want me to do?"  And immediately "Wait on me," popped into my head.

    Then there was something that happened, and I wondered if it was something that could affect fertility (something minor), but I realized "If God wants me to get pregnant this month, this won't stop Him!"

  If I ever need something soothing to listen to, I can count on Andrew Peterson, so I was listening to his old Love and Thunder album, and so much of it spoke to me, but specifically The Silence of God.  

    Colony House is one of my new favorite bands, and one of their most popular songs is Waiting For My Time To Come.  While this song was obviously not written with infertility in mind, the lyrics fit so well for me right now.

    I got the book When Infertility Books Are Not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility, by Betsy Herman, as a free download somewhere and have been reading it slowly (When it's an ebook I  tend to forget I have it!), and so much of what she says resonates with me.  I will be reading it and thinking "I could have written this!"  It's just beautiful.


    Lately there have been several little snippets from my Dad's sermons that stand out to me, and apply to my journey, even when the sermon is about something else entirely.  His most recent sermon, on July 12 included:  "This is going to be ok, God is in control,"  "God will give you what you need, when you need it," and  "Trust Jesus for today."


    One evening I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, and came across two very encouraging posts, one a simple post from Waiting For Baby Bird, the other a link to a longer blog post, from  Barren To Beautiful.  It was so encouraging, especially since I read them within only a few minutes of each other.


    All of these things have been brought to my attention within the last 2 weeks.  As I said, God is working on my heart.  No one can tell me otherwise.

-MNM

To Those Who Want to Hide on Mother's Day

    Whether it's because you've lost your own mom, have lost a child, or have never been able to have your own children, if you want to go off the grid on Mother's Day, you are not alone. I can (thankfully) only relate to one of those examples, but regardless, I know the pain the day can bring.
    For those who have never been a mother - I am thinking of you today.  This day is probably the hardest day of the year for you (I know it is for me).  All of the lies that surface due to infertility are thrown in your face.
    I'm not good enough.
    I don't deserve to be a mother.
    I'm a failure as a woman.
    Everyone is a mother except me.
    
Everyone of them is a lie.  Don't allow yourself to dwell in them.
    You are loved and appreciated for who you are right now, mother or not.  Keep doing the work you've been given. Care for (mother) those around you. You are making an impact in people's lives. You are needed.
  God has a plan for you, and it, along with His timing, is perfect.

And once you've told your own mother how much she means to you, you have permission to disappear for the rest of this emotionally draining day.
 

-MNM 

Dreams

You know, I've come to a place in my infertility journey where most of the time I am fine.  A little sad sometimes, and some days are a lot harder than others, but for the most part I'm ok. But, I never stop dreaming.

    For instance, I dream about how I would announce my pregnancy.  I've seen several videos recently on how ladies who have been dealing with infertility and finally got pregnant told their husbands in some special way.  And while I'd like to think I would do that, I'm pretty sure that I'd just be in so much shock, and so excited that I'd just blurt it out to him right away.  Haha.  As for how I'd tell everyone else, I would probably be able to think of something more special.  Maybe.  Ha

      I dream about how I'd decorate a baby's room.  (I'm thinking Wookiee The Chew!).

    I dream about having twins.  I'm a twin, and have always wanted twins.  Now, with the trouble I am having even getting pregnant once, if I had twins at least I would know that I'd have two babies, without having the troubles of getting pregnant again.    

    I dream about feeling my baby inside of me. 

    I dream about cuddling my baby, and smelling their sweet, sweet scent. 

    I dream about being a mother. 

-MNM

Rest Easy

    There is one more aspect of "You Are Not Alone" that I want to touch on.  Because even if you don't have an infertility community to turn to, and even if you don't have people around you to love and support you, you are never truly alone.  We have a Father who loves and cares, and is always there for us to turn to.  In sorrow, in hope, in anger, in rejoicing.  No matter what you are feeling you can turn to Him, and He understands.  Even when we can't see/hear/feel His presence.  Even when we have turned out back on Him.  Even when we question/doubt His plan.    He will never leave.
 
    This song came out shortly after I began my infertility journey.  This is an artist that I love, and pre-ordered the album, so I got it as soon as it came out.  Within only a  few times of hearing it, it became my go to song.  It was written with a different struggle in mind, but those first few words hit home for me every single time. And more often then not, it has me in tears.

    Infertility Awareness Week may be over, but the journey is not. Yet,  I am not alone.      I encourage you, whether or not you have a relationship with God, to turn to Him whatever your struggle is.  It can't hurt anything.

-MNM

To Those Who Have Never Experienced The Pain of Infertility

 

    "You are not alone" is the theme for National Infertility Awareness week.  One aspect of that is just knowing that there are many others out there who share your pain. Like I shared in my previous post, is so important to know that you're not the only person who's ever gone through this, and that you have others to turn to who understand.
    But another aspect (and I touched on this briefly also in my previous post) is knowing that you're not alone because there are others who, though they may not know your pain, are there to love and support you.

    Most of my posts are either written to my fellow infertiles, or to anybody, with very few directed towards those who have never known what it's like to be unable to have a child.   But this post is just that.
    Now, most posts that are written to those who are not experiencing a similar journey are written in a sarcastic, "things not to say or do to keep from hurting my feelings" tone.  And yes, I have written my own, similar posts.  But in this post, I don't want to focus on the things you shouldn't do to keep from causing me pain, but on the things that you do that encourage me. And maybe, just maybe, you know someone else who is struggling on their journey as well, and would be encouraged by the same gestures.

    Acknowledgement.  That is huge when it comes to encouraging.  I don't need to be babied, or have you always walking on eggshells around me, nor do I constantly want to be reminded of what's missing.  But just smalle gestures when people have simply acknowledged that I am going through something tough and that they care, have meant so much to me. For example:

• I have received cards at random times, just letting me know that I am being prayed for.
• Someone sent me an encouraging message on Mother's Day. That one meant so much, because Mother's Day is so hard, and their message conveyed that they realized that and were thinking of me.
• Random hugs when something that was said, done, seen, or heard in a situation makes them think of me and realize I may need a hug.
• Others posting about National Infertility Awareness Week, for me. 
• When others have read my blog and then let me know they read it. (You wouldn't be reading it if you didn't care! )

  Each example I have used is one that I have personally experienced that was encouraging to me.  I want to acknowledge to those who are doing these things (whether for me or for others you may know) how much it means.  And I want to encourage others to be aware of those around you who may need similar encouragement, and to maybe give you some insight on what is encouraging.  And guess what?  Most of these apply for any time someone is going through a hard time, not just infertility.  We all need to be more encouraging of those we care about.


-MNM

You Are Not Alone

    Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility?  That's an alarmingly high number. Yet, when you're going through it, you feel so alone.
The theme for this years National Infertility Awareness Week is You Are Not Alone.  When I first started to get an inkling that having kids wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, I didn't know of anyone in my generation who had any trouble. I didn't have anyone to talk to that would truly understand what I was going through.  As I started paying more attention to those around me, I started to realize how many of them were also dealing with this.  And as I became more vocal about my own infertility, numerous other people would open up to me about how they were going through the same journey.  It was so many.  Each time I heard of someone else going through the same thing I was, my heart would break a little for them, because I don't want anyone to have to suffer this way.  But I also was encouraged, because I knew I wasn't alone.  Here were other women who knew what I was going through.  Sure, we all had slightly different stories, but we all longed to have a baby, and none of us were able to.
    I now have a community of people who know what I'm going through, and I can turn to them, simply in tears sometimes, and they will understand.  They know what to say and what not to say.  They know the pain that I can't put in to words. They just know.  And I know that I am not alone.
    I have also been blessed to receive the love ad support I have from those who may not be infertile, but simply love me and want me to know the desires of my heart.  I am so grateful that they are praying for me.  Some of them I know I can talk to about my infertility, without it being weird.  With others, there doesn't need to be any conversation.  I just know that they are there for me.

    To my infertile sisters - There are others around you who know your pain. And there are many who love and support you, even without knowing your pain.  If I personally can do anything at all for you, please reach out.  Especially those who may still be hiding their infertility.  It's such a lonely place.

But you (we) are not alone.

-MNM

A Note to You

To my dear friends who are yet to be mothers,
    Whether you are newly married, soon-to-be married, single, or too young to even be thinking about  getting married, I am praying for you.  I am praying for your fertility. That may sound really weird and too personal, but all it really means is that I am praying that you may never, ever, have difficulty having children.  That you may never have to experience the journey that I am going through.  I have always felt burdened to pray for the soon-to-be married and the newly married, for the many adjustments that were going to be made.  But recently, I have started adding this to my prayers for you. And then I think about my younger sisters, and other young friends of mine, and my heart breaks at the thought of you having to go through this.  So I pray earnestly for you as well.
    Very few people that I know go into their marriage thinking that it may be a struggle to have children.  I never dreamed that 4 years into our marriage we would still be childless. I never wanted to, nor had any inclination that I would, be 26 years old, and my husband 30, without children.  I had all the same dreams that you do, from meeting the man of my dreams, to my wedding and marriage, and then children.  Please, don't give up on those hopes and dreams.  Hold on to them.  Just be ready to trust God if He has different plans for you.