Know what makes the infertility journey easier? Staying busy with other things that make you happy!
For me recently, that has been my job.
A year and a half ago I mentioned in this post that I had come to the realization that it was time for me to move on, instead of just staying in the "waiting to be a mother" state. For me, at that time, that meant being willing to consider taking a full time job. Said job did not pan out, and I ended up working at a summer camp that I worked at a few years as a teenager. I enjoy that job, and worked a lot of hours, so it helped pay bills, but I did not feel like I was "moving on" at all. After day camp ended, I had 2 weeks of adjusting back to essentially having nothing to do, besides household stuff. (And since there are only 2 of us, there's not a lot of that to do. You can only clean the house and do laundry so many times.) During those two weeks I had a lot more "valley" days. Days where I just simply had too much time to think, to dwell on my circumstances - in other words, I was having a pity party. I was reminded again that it was time to move on.
At the beginning of August 2014, I put in an application for a part time position at the learning center where my husband works. 3 days later I had an interview/job offer and 3 days after that I started working.
This is the first "real" job - the first time I've had to dress professionally, the first job that I've felt like a grown-up, and the highest paying job - I've ever had. Before now, everything else has been babysitting or camp style jobs, which are perfectly fine (and fun!) in their own way. But when the job dress code is "wear our t-shirt", it doesn't scream "career opportunity", heh. But this job could potentially be just that. If I wanted to pursue it, this job could lead to career opportunities. And that still blows my mind a little bit, because I never saw myself as having a career.
There are many things that I love about this job - the purpose of the whole company, the kids I work with, my co-workers, the atmosphere. And I could expound on why I love each of those aspects of the job. But what has stood out to me the most is the general feeling I get working there.
For a long time I've felt like I'm in this really uncomfortable place of not sure whether I am a kid or an adult. I'm not saying that other people treat me this way - it's my own mindset. I often feel inferior to those who are older than me, or better educated, or... fill in the blank. Come to think of it, it's something I've dealt with me whole life - feeling inferior. It's not necessarily a lack of self confidence, and in some ways it may be a form of pride.
But I digress.
At this new job I feel like I'm part of the team. I am treated as an equal.
Last year I worked part time as a special ed assistant. I learned so much, and loved what I was doing. But when I found out that the company was planning on providing child care for employee's babies/toddlers, I realized that was something I wanted to do even more. While I love working with children of all ages, babies/toddlers is where my passion really lies. After mentioning to a couple of co-workers several times that I would love to work in that position, I finally decided to talk to my boss about it. She gave me the ok, and here I am! I spent all summer excited about getting to take care of babies all year.
So, now, while my place of employment is the same, there have been several changes - not only did my position change, but I am also working full time now, instead of part time. There has been (and still is) a lot of adjusting. But I love being the "school/nursery mom". I appreciate the relationships I am forming with the mothers. I knew them before as coworkers, but it's different now. We have a different kind of connection.
And the babies themselves - they are my joy. I love them to pieces. I consider myself lucky to get to spend all day with them. They are good for my soul. And even on bad days, their smiles and giggles make me smile. Not everyone understands exactly how deep my passion for young children lies, and I can't really even explain it. Everyone loves babies. But I love caring for babies.
These days not only do I not have time to dwell on my infertility, or have a pity party, but I also get a healing dose of my loves every day :)
-MNM
PS. I've been sitting on the draft of this post for a year now. Obviously there have been a lot of edits to make it current, but the overall feeling is still the same!
Monday, September 7, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
#Katrina10
I don't know about for the rest of the world, but for Louisiana, today is a big day. Ten years ago, Hurricane Katrina slammed into the gulf coast. August 29th, 2005 is a day I won't soon (if ever) forget. I was 16. My older brother had just gotten married the week before. The Friday before the storm, I was at a youth event at church, and when my dad came to pick us\\me up, he told everyone that it looked like we were going to be in the path of this hurricane, which at that time was a category 5... the worst a hurricane can be (as measured by wind speed).
When most people think of Hurricane Katrina, they think of New Orleans, because it was the biggest city that got the most damage. Except it was not hit the hardest. The damage to New Orleans came because the levees broke, and since NOLA is literally below sea level, much of the city was flooded. Badly. But I didn't live in NOLA - I lived Southwest of NOLA, where there is serious danger of storm surge, because we're closer to the Gulf of Mexico. Because of this, any time we felt like we needed to evacuate due to a storm (there were many times we did, and also many times we didn't), we went to my grandparents' house, in Mississippi (right on the border of LA and MS). We wouldn't necessarily avoid the storm altogether that way, but they weren't in danger of flooding, plus they were just better equipped to handle the "aftermath, with a decent generator, and their own well for water.
While we learned on the Friday that we would most likely be hit by this storm, we waited until Sunday (the 28th) to actually evacuate. It took 5 hours to make the normally 2 hour trip to my grandparents' house, not due to traffic as much as the fact that the weather was already getting bad, and the fact that we normally would have driven through NOLA, but had to take an alternate route, because NOLA was in evacuation mode as well, and they essentially don't let anyone in, only out. By the time we arrived at my grandparents house, we were finding out that the storm path had moved, and that it was now headed directly towards where we now were. We considered all (including grandparents) going to other relatives' houses in the Baton Rouge area, but with how long we knew it would take us, and the weather getting worse, the adults decided that wasn't a good idea either. That decision meant that instead, we were going to ride out the storm.
I don't remember a whole lot about that night - we all went to sleep, expecting to lose electricity at any point. I seem to remember waking up during the night and being surprised that we did indeed still have power. Then Monday came., and with it the storm. The whole day was spent in suspense, just waiting out the stormy weather. "Stormy weather" is understatement, by the way. Unless you've experienced it yourself, you can't imagine what it's like. A Category 3 hurricane (which is what Katrina was when she hit land), has sustained winds of 111-129mph. It's unbelievable. The power of the storm was awesome - I was in awe all day. About halfway through the day, the eye of the storm came through. You hear stories about the eye - the calm in the middle of the storm. It was so true. Suddenly, everything just stopped. We went outside, saw squirrels running around, heard birds singing. It was eerie. At this point the phone land line still worked, and we were able to get in touch with some family members to let them know we were safe. I don't remember how long the eye lasted, but before too long, the second half of the storm picked up, even worse than the first half. We sat inside and watched as trees (large ones!) were uprooted, or simply split in two. More than one of these trees could easily have come through the house if they had fallen the right direction. One of them fell with it's branches touching the window... but not breaking it.
The storm finally started to die down. Tuesday, August 30, the weather held no sign of a storm - it was sunny and calm again. But there was so much evidence that we had just been hit by a devastating storm. We didn't have power. None of the phones worked. We had no way of assuring our relatives that we were indeed safe. The yard was a mess. Roads were covered in debris. And we started to hear on a battery operated radio about what was going on in NOLA. And it was bad.
The next several days were an adventure, to say the least. Stores were closed. People were cooking everything in their freezers (on the grill, or with propane burners), and sharing it with their neighbors. A dairy farmer close by was giving away raw milk, since he couldn't do anything with it (raw milk isn't so bad when that's all you have!). Gas stations were either closed due to no gas, or if they had gas, there were long lines and it became dangerous to try to get gas, due to what people were doing in their desperation.
We spent days cleaning up around the yard. Thankfully the only damage to the house was some missing shingles, and damaged vent cover, or something like that. It was so hot and humid., with no relief , except a cold shower. Sleeping was so frustrating. I would take a cold shower, then go to bed with as few clothes as was decent on, then lay there, with no blanket or even a sheet, until I couldn't tell if my hair was wet because I had just washed it, or because I was sweaty. During the day we had the generator running, but only running a few select appliances - like the refrigerator and the washing machine. At night, we would turn it off to save gas. Toilets had to be flushed with buckets of water, sparingly.
I remember taking turns riding around with my dad and grandfather, just for the a/c in the truck. We found any pay phone we could, hoping to find one that worked so we could reach relatives. Word finally got out around town where there was a working one. We called several family members to let them know we were safe. We found out later that my grandfather's brother was planning on driving to come find out if we were all right, and to bring supplies. Another relative was either planning to, or had, called the police to see if they could find us.
After several days of this, we contacted someone who was able to tell us that the damage to our hometown had been minimal. Then came the question of whether or not we'd actually be able to get home. 5 days after the storm, we decided to go for it. As we got closer and closer to home, things looked better and better. Restaurants were even open! We stopped at Popeye's to eat something before actually going home, and may have also gone to the store.
We finally arrived home, to find that we even had electricity! And to find that some of our church members had "broken in" to our house.... to plug our freezer into a generator :)
That was mostly the end of our Katrina experience. My grandparents didn't power for something like 2 weeks. It took us a scary amount of time to find one of my uncles, who lived in NOLA. But for the most part, life returned to normal...
...Until the next time we drove through NOLA, and every single time since there. 10 years later, and it is still easy to spot leftover Katrina damage. With some things you have to know what you're looking for, but others, it's glaringly obvious. There are houses on the street my brother lives on that were simply abandoned. You can still see the waterline on some buildings- 3/4 of the way to the roof. Some houses still have the spray painted markings on them that indicate that they had been searched... and whether or not anyone was found inside. One of the most poignant things that stands out as a reminder to me of the disaster is the amusement park - what was once Six Flags New Orleans, and before that, Jazzland. Most of the equipment is still just standing there, deserted. You drive past and can see the big roller coaster - The Mega Zeph - looming out in the middle of nowhere. I visited that amusement park several times before, both when it was Jazzland, and then when Six Flags took it over. I remember the rides and various different things there. To see such a recognizable place and to remember all the fun times had there by thousands of people, completely abandoned and deteriorating, makes me sad every time.
Life went back to normal for a lot of us relatively quickly, 10 years ago. But, for good or for bad, New Orleans will never be the same.
-MNM
(For glimpses as to what an abandoned, destroyed amusement park looks like, check out this video. It's 35 minutes long, so you don't have to watch all of it, just enough to get a feel for what things look like now. I didn't plan on watching the whole thing myself, but found it fascinating, so did end up watching it to the end. JSYK, there is a curse word graffiti-ed onto a post that shows for about 9 seconds, starting at 2:05, if you want to avoid that.)
I don't remember a whole lot about that night - we all went to sleep, expecting to lose electricity at any point. I seem to remember waking up during the night and being surprised that we did indeed still have power. Then Monday came., and with it the storm. The whole day was spent in suspense, just waiting out the stormy weather. "Stormy weather" is understatement, by the way. Unless you've experienced it yourself, you can't imagine what it's like. A Category 3 hurricane (which is what Katrina was when she hit land), has sustained winds of 111-129mph. It's unbelievable. The power of the storm was awesome - I was in awe all day. About halfway through the day, the eye of the storm came through. You hear stories about the eye - the calm in the middle of the storm. It was so true. Suddenly, everything just stopped. We went outside, saw squirrels running around, heard birds singing. It was eerie. At this point the phone land line still worked, and we were able to get in touch with some family members to let them know we were safe. I don't remember how long the eye lasted, but before too long, the second half of the storm picked up, even worse than the first half. We sat inside and watched as trees (large ones!) were uprooted, or simply split in two. More than one of these trees could easily have come through the house if they had fallen the right direction. One of them fell with it's branches touching the window... but not breaking it.
The storm finally started to die down. Tuesday, August 30, the weather held no sign of a storm - it was sunny and calm again. But there was so much evidence that we had just been hit by a devastating storm. We didn't have power. None of the phones worked. We had no way of assuring our relatives that we were indeed safe. The yard was a mess. Roads were covered in debris. And we started to hear on a battery operated radio about what was going on in NOLA. And it was bad.
The next several days were an adventure, to say the least. Stores were closed. People were cooking everything in their freezers (on the grill, or with propane burners), and sharing it with their neighbors. A dairy farmer close by was giving away raw milk, since he couldn't do anything with it (raw milk isn't so bad when that's all you have!). Gas stations were either closed due to no gas, or if they had gas, there were long lines and it became dangerous to try to get gas, due to what people were doing in their desperation.
We spent days cleaning up around the yard. Thankfully the only damage to the house was some missing shingles, and damaged vent cover, or something like that. It was so hot and humid., with no relief , except a cold shower. Sleeping was so frustrating. I would take a cold shower, then go to bed with as few clothes as was decent on, then lay there, with no blanket or even a sheet, until I couldn't tell if my hair was wet because I had just washed it, or because I was sweaty. During the day we had the generator running, but only running a few select appliances - like the refrigerator and the washing machine. At night, we would turn it off to save gas. Toilets had to be flushed with buckets of water, sparingly.
I remember taking turns riding around with my dad and grandfather, just for the a/c in the truck. We found any pay phone we could, hoping to find one that worked so we could reach relatives. Word finally got out around town where there was a working one. We called several family members to let them know we were safe. We found out later that my grandfather's brother was planning on driving to come find out if we were all right, and to bring supplies. Another relative was either planning to, or had, called the police to see if they could find us.
After several days of this, we contacted someone who was able to tell us that the damage to our hometown had been minimal. Then came the question of whether or not we'd actually be able to get home. 5 days after the storm, we decided to go for it. As we got closer and closer to home, things looked better and better. Restaurants were even open! We stopped at Popeye's to eat something before actually going home, and may have also gone to the store.
We finally arrived home, to find that we even had electricity! And to find that some of our church members had "broken in" to our house.... to plug our freezer into a generator :)
That was mostly the end of our Katrina experience. My grandparents didn't power for something like 2 weeks. It took us a scary amount of time to find one of my uncles, who lived in NOLA. But for the most part, life returned to normal...
...Until the next time we drove through NOLA, and every single time since there. 10 years later, and it is still easy to spot leftover Katrina damage. With some things you have to know what you're looking for, but others, it's glaringly obvious. There are houses on the street my brother lives on that were simply abandoned. You can still see the waterline on some buildings- 3/4 of the way to the roof. Some houses still have the spray painted markings on them that indicate that they had been searched... and whether or not anyone was found inside. One of the most poignant things that stands out as a reminder to me of the disaster is the amusement park - what was once Six Flags New Orleans, and before that, Jazzland. Most of the equipment is still just standing there, deserted. You drive past and can see the big roller coaster - The Mega Zeph - looming out in the middle of nowhere. I visited that amusement park several times before, both when it was Jazzland, and then when Six Flags took it over. I remember the rides and various different things there. To see such a recognizable place and to remember all the fun times had there by thousands of people, completely abandoned and deteriorating, makes me sad every time.
Life went back to normal for a lot of us relatively quickly, 10 years ago. But, for good or for bad, New Orleans will never be the same.
-MNM
(For glimpses as to what an abandoned, destroyed amusement park looks like, check out this video. It's 35 minutes long, so you don't have to watch all of it, just enough to get a feel for what things look like now. I didn't plan on watching the whole thing myself, but found it fascinating, so did end up watching it to the end. JSYK, there is a curse word graffiti-ed onto a post that shows for about 9 seconds, starting at 2:05, if you want to avoid that.)
Monday, July 13, 2015
Waiting For My Time To Come
God has been working on soothing this hurting heart lately.
Lately I've been wondering what I should be doing as far as my infertility journey goes (this is not the first time - it's really almost constant). Do I need to take different supplements? Try different diets? Eliminate certain things? Is it time to pursue medical treatment? What route should I go with that? So the other day I was praying in the shower, asking God "what do you want me to do?" And immediately "Wait on me," popped into my head.
Then there was something that happened, and I wondered if it was something that could affect fertility (something minor), but I realized "If God wants me to get pregnant this month, this won't stop Him!"
If I ever need something soothing to listen to, I can count on Andrew Peterson, so I was listening to his old Love and Thunder album, and so much of it spoke to me, but specifically The Silence of God.
Colony House is one of my new favorite bands, and one of their most popular songs is Waiting For My Time To Come. While this song was obviously not written with infertility in mind, the lyrics fit so well for me right now.
I got the book When Infertility Books Are Not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility, by Betsy Herman, as a free download somewhere and have been reading it slowly (When it's an ebook I tend to forget I have it!), and so much of what she says resonates with me. I will be reading it and thinking "I could have written this!" It's just beautiful.
Lately there have been several little snippets from my Dad's sermons that stand out to me, and apply to my journey, even when the sermon is about something else entirely. His most recent sermon, on July 12 included: "This is going to be ok, God is in control," "God will give you what you need, when you need it," and "Trust Jesus for today."
One evening I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, and came across two very encouraging posts, one a simple post from Waiting For Baby Bird, the other a link to a longer blog post, from Barren To Beautiful. It was so encouraging, especially since I read them within only a few minutes of each other.
All of these things have been brought to my attention within the last 2 weeks. As I said, God is working on my heart. No one can tell me otherwise.
-MNM
Lately I've been wondering what I should be doing as far as my infertility journey goes (this is not the first time - it's really almost constant). Do I need to take different supplements? Try different diets? Eliminate certain things? Is it time to pursue medical treatment? What route should I go with that? So the other day I was praying in the shower, asking God "what do you want me to do?" And immediately "Wait on me," popped into my head.
Then there was something that happened, and I wondered if it was something that could affect fertility (something minor), but I realized "If God wants me to get pregnant this month, this won't stop Him!"
If I ever need something soothing to listen to, I can count on Andrew Peterson, so I was listening to his old Love and Thunder album, and so much of it spoke to me, but specifically The Silence of God.
Colony House is one of my new favorite bands, and one of their most popular songs is Waiting For My Time To Come. While this song was obviously not written with infertility in mind, the lyrics fit so well for me right now.
I got the book When Infertility Books Are Not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility, by Betsy Herman, as a free download somewhere and have been reading it slowly (When it's an ebook I tend to forget I have it!), and so much of what she says resonates with me. I will be reading it and thinking "I could have written this!" It's just beautiful.
Lately there have been several little snippets from my Dad's sermons that stand out to me, and apply to my journey, even when the sermon is about something else entirely. His most recent sermon, on July 12 included: "This is going to be ok, God is in control," "God will give you what you need, when you need it," and "Trust Jesus for today."
One evening I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, and came across two very encouraging posts, one a simple post from Waiting For Baby Bird, the other a link to a longer blog post, from Barren To Beautiful. It was so encouraging, especially since I read them within only a few minutes of each other.
All of these things have been brought to my attention within the last 2 weeks. As I said, God is working on my heart. No one can tell me otherwise.
-MNM
Sunday, May 10, 2015
To Those Who Want to Hide on Mother's Day
Whether it's because you've lost your own mom, have lost a child, or have never been able to have your own children, if you want to go off the grid on Mother's Day, you are not alone. I can (thankfully) only relate to one of those examples, but regardless, I know the pain the day can bring.
For those who have never been a mother - I am thinking of you today. This day is probably the hardest day of the year for you (I know it is for me). All of the lies that surface due to infertility are thrown in your face.
I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve to be a mother.
I'm a failure as a woman.
Everyone is a mother except me.
Everyone of them is a lie. Don't allow yourself to dwell in them.
You are loved and appreciated for who you are right now, mother or not. Keep doing the work you've been given. Care for (mother) those around you. You are making an impact in people's lives. You are needed.
God has a plan for you, and it, along with His timing, is perfect.
And once you've told your own mother how much she means to you, you have permission to disappear for the rest of this emotionally draining day.
-MNM
For those who have never been a mother - I am thinking of you today. This day is probably the hardest day of the year for you (I know it is for me). All of the lies that surface due to infertility are thrown in your face.
I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve to be a mother.
I'm a failure as a woman.
Everyone is a mother except me.
Everyone of them is a lie. Don't allow yourself to dwell in them.
You are loved and appreciated for who you are right now, mother or not. Keep doing the work you've been given. Care for (mother) those around you. You are making an impact in people's lives. You are needed.
God has a plan for you, and it, along with His timing, is perfect.
And once you've told your own mother how much she means to you, you have permission to disappear for the rest of this emotionally draining day.
-MNM
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Dreams
You know, I've come to a place in my infertility journey where most of the time I am fine. A little sad sometimes, and some days are a lot harder than others, but for the most part I'm ok. But, I never stop dreaming.
For instance, I dream about how I would announce my pregnancy. I've seen several videos recently on how ladies who have been dealing with infertility and finally got pregnant told their husbands in some special way. And while I'd like to think I would do that, I'm pretty sure that I'd just be in so much shock, and so excited that I'd just blurt it out to him right away. Haha. As for how I'd tell everyone else, I would probably be able to think of something more special. Maybe. Ha
I dream about how I'd decorate a baby's room. (I'm thinking Wookiee The Chew!).
I dream about having twins. I'm a twin, and have always wanted twins. Now, with the trouble I am having even getting pregnant once, if I had twins at least I would know that I'd have two babies, without having the troubles of getting pregnant again.
I dream about feeling my baby inside of me.
I dream about cuddling my baby, and smelling their sweet, sweet scent.
I dream about being a mother.
-MNM
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Rest Easy
There is one more aspect of "You Are Not Alone" that I want to touch on. Because even if you don't have an infertility community to turn to, and even if you don't have people around you to love and support you, you are never truly alone. We have a Father who loves and cares, and is always there for us to turn to. In sorrow, in hope, in anger, in rejoicing. No matter what you are feeling you can turn to Him, and He understands. Even when we can't see/hear/feel His presence. Even when we have turned out back on Him. Even when we question/doubt His plan. He will never leave.
This song came out shortly after I began my infertility journey. This is an artist that I love, and pre-ordered the album, so I got it as soon as it came out. Within only a few times of hearing it, it became my go to song. It was written with a different struggle in mind, but those first few words hit home for me every single time. And more often then not, it has me in tears.
This song came out shortly after I began my infertility journey. This is an artist that I love, and pre-ordered the album, so I got it as soon as it came out. Within only a few times of hearing it, it became my go to song. It was written with a different struggle in mind, but those first few words hit home for me every single time. And more often then not, it has me in tears.
Infertility Awareness Week may be over, but the journey is not. Yet, I am not alone. I encourage you, whether or not you have a relationship with God, to turn to Him whatever your struggle is. It can't hurt anything.
-MNM
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
To Those Who Have Never Experienced The Pain of Infertility
"You are not alone" is the theme for National Infertility Awareness week. One aspect of that is just knowing that there are many others out there who share your pain. Like I shared in my previous post, is so important to know that you're not the only person who's ever gone through this, and that you have others to turn to who understand.
But another aspect (and I touched on this briefly also in my previous post) is knowing that you're not alone because there are others who, though they may not know your pain, are there to love and support you.
Most of my posts are either written to my fellow infertiles, or to anybody, with very few directed towards those who have never known what it's like to be unable to have a child. But this post is just that.
Now, most posts that are written to those who are not experiencing a similar journey are written in a sarcastic, "things not to say or do to keep from hurting my feelings" tone. And yes, I have written my own, similar posts. But in this post, I don't want to focus on the things you shouldn't do to keep from causing me pain, but on the things that you do that encourage me. And maybe, just maybe, you know someone else who is struggling on their journey as well, and would be encouraged by the same gestures.
Acknowledgement. That is huge when it comes to encouraging. I don't need to be babied, or have you always walking on eggshells around me, nor do I constantly want to be reminded of what's missing. But just smalle gestures when people have simply acknowledged that I am going through something tough and that they care, have meant so much to me. For example:
- I have received cards at random times, just letting me know that I am being prayed for.
- Someone sent me an encouraging message on Mother's Day. That one meant so much, because Mother's Day is so hard, and their message conveyed that they realized that and were thinking of me.
- Random hugs when something that was said, done, seen, or heard in a situation makes them think of me and realize I may need a hug.
- Others posting about National Infertility Awareness Week, for me.
- When others have read my blog and then let me know they read it. (You wouldn't be reading it if you didn't care! )
Each example I have used is one that I have personally experienced that was encouraging to me. I want to acknowledge to those who are doing these things (whether for me or for others you may know) how much it means. And I want to encourage others to be aware of those around you who may need similar encouragement, and to maybe give you some insight on what is encouraging. And guess what? Most of these apply for any time someone is going through a hard time, not just infertility. We all need to be more encouraging of those we care about.
-MNM