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Friday, January 1, 2016

New Years Day Ambitions, Hopes, & Dreams

    Yesterday I expressed a negative emotional response to it being the end of the year.  Today I don't necessarily feel much more positive, but have decided to take a positive view of the new year anyway.
    There is something refreshing about the beginning of a new year.  No matter how one feels about the previous year as a whole, we now have a brand new year! It's a fresh start.
    I'm not one to make resolutions, but last year I made two - one was to take Brad Paisley's quote
“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”
literally, by writing something every day in a journal. That lasted less than 6 months.
    The second was to only read books that I already owned - not to buy any new ones, or get any from the library- because I own so many books that I haven't read, or want to re-read. That one I mostly kept...  I did buy a couple at used book stores/book sales (that were good deals or I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else), and had a couple given to me that I read.  But mostly I kept that one.

    This year, I don't have any resolutions that are specific enough to call them resolutions. The biggest things I would love to happen this year are out of my control.  But there are a few things that I would like to do differently this year. They can all be summed up under one umbrella statement:

I want to live more intentionally.

  • I want to intentionally spend more quality time with God, not just read the "required" passages in my reading plan/Bible study.
  • I want to be more intentional in cleaning my house; I can easily spend just a couple more minutes a day cleaning/organizing.  It doesn't have to take long.
  • I want to make a point to read more books, fiction and non-fiction.
  • I want to intentionally get more exercise, even if that is through playing more Ingress* with my husband. 
  • I want to be more intentional with my cooking/baking. I love cooking and baking, but lately I find it to be more of a chore.  I want to find my love for it again.
  • I want to intentionally spend quality time with my husband and family.  I don't feel like this is something I have regrets about in 2015, but this is always something I want to make sure I do.


    Basically, I feel like life has been a highway and I've just been rushed along with the traffic.  I want to slow down and take the scenic route through life.

    The new year also brings a renewal of hope and faith - my dreams may not have come true in 2015, but I never know what 2016 may hold.  I am praying for miracles this year.

-MNM


*Ingress is an augmented reality game that requires physically visiting places, to interact with the "portals" in the app.  This is best done on foot, and we've been known to clock several miles at a time!




 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Eve Reflections

    Here it is, the last few hours of 2015.  I'm not out partying like some are, nor am I celebrating like I typically do - at my grandfather's house with family, eating gumbo and shooting fireworks.  Instead, I am at home, in my sweats, on the couch with my husband, both of us reading books (err, you know, before I started writing this post).  It's quiet and cozy, and fits my state of mind.

    I find myself really emotional about 2015 being over.*  For the past few days I have even been getting choked up about it. And when people are like "yay for 2015 being over!", I'm just like "but... no. I'm not ready for a new year." It isn't about the year 2015 specifically.  There was nothing spectacular about 2015 that makes me want it to stick around.
     It's more about the passing of time. In the past, I've been excited about time passing, and looking forward to a new year and all it may hold.  But for some reason, maybe simply because I'm getting older, this year it makes me melancholy.
    Maybe it's because it's another year of being childless. Maybe it's because I have been overwhelmed with adjusting to working long hours.  Maybe I feel more adult responsibility this year than in the past few, and sometimes I just want to be a kid again. Maybe I realize that life doesn't get easier as I get older, only harder and more scary.  Maybe it's because I feel complacent.

    And maybe I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same.

To be continued in tomorrow's post...

-MNM
 
*My husband says it's because I've been exhausted, and am just more emotional when I'm tired anyway.  He's right.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Surviving This Journey Through the Holidays

    The holidays can be a really rough time emotionally for those going through infertility.  And I'd imagine that most infertility bloggers will be posting about how hard it is, or how to cope.

    But who am I kidding - every day can be really rough emotionally.   It's not only the holidays that can trigger a moment of heartbreak.  I can be just fine for weeks at a time, including through the majority of the holidays, but then something random will bring me to tears.

    The holidays seem to bring with them a sense of "well, I hoped last Christmas would be my last without a child"...  but I honestly feel that way about pretty much all holidays, mine and my husband's birthdays, and our anniversary.  I tend to think "If I got pregnant right now, I'd be a mom by my next birthday", but also on the flip side - "because I'm not pregnant yet, I know that we won't have  a child by our 5th anniversary."

     I was reminded over the weekend how hard this time of year is for lots of people - especially those who have lost someone dear to them, and this is the first Christmas that they have to spend seemingly alone.  You see, nothing has really changed for me. In fact, it's change that I long for.  I don't want next Christmas to  be the same as this Christmas, because I want there to be an additional small family member to celebrate with next year.  But for those who have lost someone this year, everything is different for them, and they just wish it was all the way it's always been. I look forward to starting new traditions.  They want to be able to continue all the old traditions, but they're just not the same, or they choose not to do them at all.  I want to make new memories.  Memories are all that they have.

  I guess what I'm saying is that while this journey is hard all the time, I get through it.  The holidays will be hard too, but I'll make the most of them, just like I always do.  I dare to say that I will even enjoy them!  And I will count myself blessed that Christmas will be the same as always for me this year.

-MNM

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

What Defines You?

    Do you ever feel like your parental status (whether or not you are a parent) defines you?

 Over the years I've been defined as various things, but since getting married 4 1/2 years ago, I have felt defined by my childlessness.  I mean, you get married, and you have kids, right? Unless you don't.  And then you're at best questioned about it, and at worst judged for it (at least in my circles).   Those who are parents don't know how to relate to you, because they left those days behind.   People just don't know quite how to treat you.  You're not a kid, nor are you a parent. So where do you fall?

    While I have felt this way a while now, it was only recently that I formed it into the complete thought of being defined by it.  I was having a conversation while visiting my in-laws, and the sweet soul I was talking to was cautiously asking about my infertility.  I reassured her that I don't mind talking about it.  I don't avoid talking about it, but, I'm unlikely to start the conversation myself, because I don't want to be known as both the person who has no kids, and the one who talks about it all the time.  I don't want it to define me.  I also recently came across a post from Resolve: The National Infertility Association,  that just said "I choose not to be", and my first thought was "defined by my infertility."

    There is more to me than whether or not I am a parent.  I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt. A friend, a co-worker, a caregiver, a teacher.  I am a child of God. There are a lot of things I am, and a lot of things I'm not. It just so happens that "mother" is not one of my titles.
 
    Please, when it comes to your friends who don't have children, remember them as one of the many things they are besides childless.  Your relationship will benefit from it!  

-MNM

Disclaimer:  I'm sure that parents sometimes feel their own version of this.  I just can't address that side of it.


Monday, September 7, 2015

When Your Job Is Worth More Than Just The Paycheck

    Know what makes the infertility journey easier?  Staying busy with other things that make  you happy!

    For me recently, that has been my job.

    A year and a half ago I mentioned in this post that I had come to the realization that it was time for me to move on, instead of just staying in the "waiting to be a mother" state.  For me, at that time, that meant being willing to consider taking a full time job.  Said job did not pan out, and I ended up working at a summer camp that I worked at a few years as a teenager.  I enjoy that job, and worked a lot of hours, so it helped pay bills, but I did not feel like I was "moving on" at all.   After day camp ended, I had 2 weeks of adjusting back to essentially having nothing to do, besides household stuff.  (And since there are only 2 of us, there's not a lot of that to do.  You can only clean the house and do laundry so many times.)  During those two weeks I had a lot more "valley" days.  Days where I just simply had too much time to think, to dwell on my circumstances - in other words, I was having a pity party.  I was reminded again that it was time to move on.

    At the beginning of August 2014, I put in an application for a part time position at the learning center where my husband works.  3 days later I had an interview/job offer  and 3 days after that I started working.

    This is the first "real" job - the first time I've had to dress professionally, the first job that I've felt like a grown-up, and the highest paying job - I've ever had.  Before now, everything else has been babysitting or camp style jobs, which are perfectly fine (and fun!) in their own way.  But when the job dress code is "wear our t-shirt", it doesn't scream "career opportunity", heh.   But this job could potentially be just that.  If I wanted to pursue it, this job could lead to career opportunities.  And that still blows my mind a little bit, because I never saw myself as having a career.

    There are many things that I love about this job - the purpose of the whole company, the kids I work with, my co-workers, the atmosphere.  And I could expound on why I love each of those aspects of the job.  But what has stood out to me the most is the general feeling I get working there.

    For a long time I've felt like I'm in this really uncomfortable place of not sure whether I am a kid or an adult. I'm not saying that other people treat me this way - it's my own mindset. I often feel inferior to those who are older than me, or better educated, or...  fill in the blank.  Come to think of it, it's something I've dealt with me whole life - feeling inferior.  It's not necessarily a lack of self confidence,  and in some ways it may be a form of pride.
But I digress.
At this new job I feel like I'm part of the team.  I am treated as an equal.

    Last year I worked part time as a special ed assistant.  I learned so much, and loved what I was doing.  But when I found out that the company was planning on providing child care for employee's babies/toddlers, I realized that was something I wanted to do even more.  While I love working with children of all ages, babies/toddlers is where my passion really lies. After mentioning to a couple of co-workers several times that I would love to work in that position, I finally decided to talk to my boss about it.  She gave me the ok,  and here I am! I spent all summer excited about getting to  take care of babies all year.

    So, now, while my place of employment is the same, there have been several changes - not only did my position change, but I am also working full time now, instead of part time.  There has been (and still is) a lot of adjusting.  But  I love being the "school/nursery mom".  I appreciate the relationships I am forming with the mothers. I knew them before as coworkers, but it's different now.  We have a different kind of connection.

    And the babies themselves - they are my joy.  I love them to pieces.  I consider myself lucky to get to spend all day with them.  They are good for my soul.  And even on bad days, their smiles and giggles make me smile. Not everyone understands exactly how deep my passion for young children lies, and I can't really even explain it. Everyone loves babies.  But I love caring for babies.

    These days not only do I not have time to dwell on my infertility, or have a pity party, but I also get a healing dose of my loves every day :)

-MNM

    PS. I've been sitting on the draft of this post for a year now.  Obviously there have been a lot of edits to make it current, but the overall feeling is still the same!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

#Katrina10

    I don't know about for the rest of the world, but for Louisiana, today is a big day. Ten years ago, Hurricane Katrina slammed into the gulf coast.  August 29th, 2005 is a day I won't soon (if ever) forget.  I was 16.  My older brother had just gotten married the week before. The Friday before the storm, I was at a youth event at church, and when my dad came to pick us\\me up, he told everyone that it looked like we were going to be in the path of this hurricane, which at that time was a category 5...  the worst a hurricane can be (as measured by wind speed).

    When most people think of Hurricane Katrina, they think of New Orleans, because it was the biggest city that got the most damage.  Except it was not hit the hardest.  The damage to New Orleans came because the levees broke, and since NOLA is literally below sea level, much of the city was flooded.  Badly.    But I didn't live in NOLA - I lived Southwest of NOLA, where there is serious danger of storm surge, because we're closer to the  Gulf of Mexico.   Because of this, any time  we felt like we needed to evacuate due to a storm (there were many times we did, and also many times we didn't), we went to my grandparents' house, in Mississippi (right on the border of LA and MS).  We wouldn't necessarily avoid the storm altogether that way, but they weren't in danger of flooding, plus they were just better equipped to handle the "aftermath, with a decent generator, and their own well for water. 

    While we learned on the Friday that we would most likely be hit by this storm, we waited until Sunday (the 28th) to actually evacuate.  It took 5 hours to make the normally 2 hour trip to my grandparents' house, not due to traffic as much as the fact that the weather was already getting bad, and the fact that we normally would have driven through NOLA, but had to take an alternate route, because NOLA was in evacuation mode as well, and they essentially don't let anyone in, only out.  By the time we arrived at my grandparents house, we were finding out that the storm path had moved, and that it was now headed directly towards where we now were.  We considered all (including grandparents) going to other relatives' houses in the Baton Rouge area, but with how long we knew it would take us, and the weather getting worse, the adults decided that wasn't a good idea either.  That decision meant that instead, we were going to ride out the storm.

    I don't remember a whole lot about that night - we all went to sleep, expecting to lose electricity at any point.  I seem to remember waking up during the night and being surprised that we did indeed still have power.  Then Monday came., and with it the storm.  The whole day was spent in suspense, just waiting out the stormy weather. "Stormy weather" is understatement, by the way. Unless you've experienced it yourself, you can't imagine what it's like.  A Category 3 hurricane (which is what Katrina was when she hit land), has sustained winds of 111-129mph. It's unbelievable. The power of the storm was awesome - I was in awe all day. About halfway through the day, the eye of the storm came through.  You hear stories about the eye - the calm in the middle of the storm.  It was so true.  Suddenly, everything just stopped.  We went outside, saw squirrels running around, heard birds singing.  It was eerie.  At this point the phone land line still worked, and we were able to get in touch with some family members to let them know we were safe.  I don't remember how long the eye lasted, but before too long, the second half of the storm picked up, even worse than the first half.  We sat inside and watched as trees (large ones!) were uprooted, or simply split in two.  More than one of these trees could easily have come through the house if they had fallen the right direction.  One of them fell with it's branches touching the window...  but not breaking it.

    The storm finally started to die down. Tuesday, August 30, the weather held  no sign of a storm - it was sunny and calm again. But there was so much evidence that we had just been hit by a devastating storm.  We didn't have power.  None of the phones worked. We had no way of assuring our relatives that we were indeed safe. The yard was a mess.  Roads were covered in debris.  And we started to hear on a battery operated radio about what was going on in NOLA.  And it was bad.

    The next several days were an adventure, to say the least.  Stores were closed. People were cooking everything in their freezers (on the grill, or with propane burners), and sharing it with their neighbors.  A dairy farmer close by was giving away raw milk, since he couldn't do anything with it (raw milk isn't so bad when that's all you have!).  Gas stations were either closed due to no gas, or if they had gas, there were long lines and it became dangerous to try to get gas, due to what people were doing in their desperation.

    We spent days cleaning up around the yard.  Thankfully the only damage to the house was some missing shingles, and damaged vent cover, or something like that.  It was so hot and humid., with no relief , except  a cold shower.  Sleeping was so frustrating.  I would take a cold shower, then go to bed with as few clothes as was decent on, then lay there, with no blanket or even a sheet, until I couldn't tell if my hair was wet because I had just washed it, or because I was sweaty.  During the day we had the generator running, but only running a few select appliances - like the refrigerator and the washing machine. At night, we would turn it off to save gas.  Toilets had to be flushed with buckets of water, sparingly.

    I remember taking turns riding around with my dad and grandfather, just for the a/c in the truck.  We found any pay phone we could, hoping to find one that worked so we could reach relatives.  Word finally got out around town where there was a working one. We called several family members to let them know we were safe.  We found out later that my grandfather's brother was planning on driving to come find out if we were all right, and to bring supplies.  Another relative was either planning to, or had, called the police to see if they could find us.

    After several days of this, we contacted someone who was able to tell us that the damage to our hometown had been minimal.  Then came the question of whether or not we'd actually be able to get home. 5 days after the storm, we decided to go for it.  As we got closer and closer to home, things looked better and better. Restaurants were even open!  We stopped at Popeye's to eat something before actually going home, and may have also gone to the store.

We finally arrived home, to find that we even had electricity!  And to find that some of our church members had "broken in" to our house....  to plug our freezer into a generator :)

That was mostly the end of our Katrina experience.  My grandparents didn't power for something like 2 weeks.  It took us a scary amount  of time to find one of my uncles, who lived in NOLA.  But for the most part, life returned to normal...
...Until the next time we drove through NOLA,  and every single time since there.  10 years later, and it is still easy to spot leftover Katrina damage.  With some things you have to know what you're looking for, but others, it's glaringly obvious. There are  houses on the street my brother lives on that were simply abandoned.  You can still see the waterline on some buildings- 3/4 of the way to the roof. Some houses still have the spray painted markings on them that indicate that they had been searched...  and whether or not anyone was found inside. One of the most poignant things that stands out as a reminder to me of the disaster is the amusement park - what was once Six Flags New Orleans, and before that, Jazzland.  Most of the equipment is still just standing there, deserted. You drive past and can see the big roller coaster - The Mega Zeph - looming out in the middle of nowhere.  I visited that amusement park several times before, both when it was Jazzland, and then when Six Flags took it over.  I remember the rides and various different things there.  To see such a recognizable place and to remember all the fun times had there by thousands of people, completely abandoned and deteriorating, makes me sad every time.

    Life went back to normal for a lot of us relatively quickly, 10 years ago.  But, for good or for bad, New Orleans will never be the same.

-MNM



(For glimpses as to what an abandoned, destroyed amusement park looks like, check out this video.  It's 35 minutes long, so you don't have to watch all of it, just enough to get a feel for what things look like now.  I didn't plan on watching the whole thing myself, but found it fascinating, so did end up watching it to the end.  JSYK, there is a curse word graffiti-ed onto a post that shows for about 9 seconds, starting at 2:05, if you want to avoid that.)  

Monday, July 13, 2015

Waiting For My Time To Come

     God has been working on soothing this hurting heart lately.

    Lately I've been wondering what I should be doing as far as my infertility journey goes (this is not the first time - it's really almost constant).  Do I need to take different supplements?  Try different diets? Eliminate certain things?   Is it time to pursue medical treatment?  What route should I go with that?  So the other day I was praying in the shower, asking God "what do you want me to do?"  And immediately "Wait on me," popped into my head.

    Then there was something that happened, and I wondered if it was something that could affect fertility (something minor), but I realized "If God wants me to get pregnant this month, this won't stop Him!"

  If I ever need something soothing to listen to, I can count on Andrew Peterson, so I was listening to his old Love and Thunder album, and so much of it spoke to me, but specifically The Silence of God.  

    Colony House is one of my new favorite bands, and one of their most popular songs is Waiting For My Time To Come.  While this song was obviously not written with infertility in mind, the lyrics fit so well for me right now.

    I got the book When Infertility Books Are Not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility, by Betsy Herman, as a free download somewhere and have been reading it slowly (When it's an ebook I  tend to forget I have it!), and so much of what she says resonates with me.  I will be reading it and thinking "I could have written this!"  It's just beautiful.


    Lately there have been several little snippets from my Dad's sermons that stand out to me, and apply to my journey, even when the sermon is about something else entirely.  His most recent sermon, on July 12 included:  "This is going to be ok, God is in control,"  "God will give you what you need, when you need it," and  "Trust Jesus for today."


    One evening I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, and came across two very encouraging posts, one a simple post from Waiting For Baby Bird, the other a link to a longer blog post, from  Barren To Beautiful.  It was so encouraging, especially since I read them within only a few minutes of each other.


    All of these things have been brought to my attention within the last 2 weeks.  As I said, God is working on my heart.  No one can tell me otherwise.

-MNM