There are lots of different emotions that one feels while on a journey of infertility. The most obvious is sadness, with anger following closely. But also hope. Uncertainty.
And sometimes fear is the dominant feeling.
For instance, I'm often afraid that I will never be a mom. I'm afraid of not knowing what to do next. I'm afraid of not being in control.
And lately, I've been afraid of the hope that I feel. And that in itself is scary. Hope itself is such a positive,encouraging, and well, hopeful, feeling. But there tends to always be a bit of fear, mixed in with the hope, because if I get my hopes up, the disappointment will be a harder fall when the pregnancy test is negative. If I don't get my hopes up, then there's no let down. But I can't *not* get my hopes up, because then I live in a place of despair all the time. And if not despair, it's at least apathy, and that's not really a healthy place to be either.
Currently I'm trying to find the balance between not expecting to get pregnant every month, but still having hope that I will. It's the expectation that actually makes the disappointment hurt so much.
Basically, I have to learn how to let go of the expectation, without giving up the hope. There is a very fine line there, and I'm still learning how to recognize it. It's actually not something I had thought about before, but it was pointed out to me in a conversation I had with some wise ladies not too long ago, and it really stuck with me.
"Just stop trying, and then you'll get pregnant!" is advice commonly given to those trying to conceive. (I was told the same thing before I met my husband - "just stop looking, and that's when he'll show up." Ironically enough... that's kind of what happened. Ugh. I hate when people are right.). I've always thought "but how can I just stop trying, when it's something I want so badly, and something I'm so aware of?! I can't turn my heart's desire off!" But maybe this concept of letting go of expectations is how I can "stop trying".
I think a lot of it also comes down to how I am understanding the word "Hope". Because, just as my preacher father always says about love "there's a difference between 'I love this pizza, I love my dog & I love my wife'," there are differences in the way we use the word hope. We hope that our favorite band will come to a town near us. We hope that the line at the drive thru will be short. We hope we find a close parking spot. But we also have hope in God, knowing that "all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Having hope vs expectations requires faith. God, help me put my faith in you.
-MNM
Friday, July 15, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
The Blessing of Family
I recently thought of yet another reason (there's a very long list) that I can't wait to have kids. It came to me after spending several days with my husband's brother's family of 7. They had come to visit us for the first time, and I so enjoyed having 5 young children running around my house and begging for my attention. While they were here, we also got together with my brother's family of 7. I had 10 of my 11 nieces and nephews together, all ages 9 and under. It was amazing.
It wasn't just having 10 young children surrounding me that made me come to a realization, though. It was these specific 10 children (and their parents). You see, one reason I can't wait to have kids is because not only will they have a lot of cousins and aunts & uncles, they have some awesome cousins, aunts & uncles, and grandparents! We are blessed with amazing family, on both sides, and I can't wait to raise my own kids to love and be loved by all of them.
-MNM
It wasn't just having 10 young children surrounding me that made me come to a realization, though. It was these specific 10 children (and their parents). You see, one reason I can't wait to have kids is because not only will they have a lot of cousins and aunts & uncles, they have some awesome cousins, aunts & uncles, and grandparents! We are blessed with amazing family, on both sides, and I can't wait to raise my own kids to love and be loved by all of them.
-MNM
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Years Day Ambitions, Hopes, & Dreams
Yesterday I expressed a negative emotional response to it being the end of the year. Today I don't necessarily feel much more positive, but have decided to take a positive view of the new year anyway.
There is something refreshing about the beginning of a new year. No matter how one feels about the previous year as a whole, we now have a brand new year! It's a fresh start.
I'm not one to make resolutions, but last year I made two - one was to take Brad Paisley's quote
The second was to only read books that I already owned - not to buy any new ones, or get any from the library- because I own so many books that I haven't read, or want to re-read. That one I mostly kept... I did buy a couple at used book stores/book sales (that were good deals or I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else), and had a couple given to me that I read. But mostly I kept that one.
This year, I don't have any resolutions that are specific enough to call them resolutions. The biggest things I would love to happen this year are out of my control. But there are a few things that I would like to do differently this year. They can all be summed up under one umbrella statement:
I want to live more intentionally.
Basically, I feel like life has been a highway and I've just been rushed along with the traffic. I want to slow down and take the scenic route through life.
The new year also brings a renewal of hope and faith - my dreams may not have come true in 2015, but I never know what 2016 may hold. I am praying for miracles this year.
-MNM
*Ingress is an augmented reality game that requires physically visiting places, to interact with the "portals" in the app. This is best done on foot, and we've been known to clock several miles at a time!
There is something refreshing about the beginning of a new year. No matter how one feels about the previous year as a whole, we now have a brand new year! It's a fresh start.
I'm not one to make resolutions, but last year I made two - one was to take Brad Paisley's quote
“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”literally, by writing something every day in a journal. That lasted less than 6 months.
The second was to only read books that I already owned - not to buy any new ones, or get any from the library- because I own so many books that I haven't read, or want to re-read. That one I mostly kept... I did buy a couple at used book stores/book sales (that were good deals or I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else), and had a couple given to me that I read. But mostly I kept that one.
This year, I don't have any resolutions that are specific enough to call them resolutions. The biggest things I would love to happen this year are out of my control. But there are a few things that I would like to do differently this year. They can all be summed up under one umbrella statement:
I want to live more intentionally.
- I want to intentionally spend more quality time with God, not just read the "required" passages in my reading plan/Bible study.
- I want to be more intentional in cleaning my house; I can easily spend just a couple more minutes a day cleaning/organizing. It doesn't have to take long.
- I want to make a point to read more books, fiction and non-fiction.
- I want to intentionally get more exercise, even if that is through playing more Ingress* with my husband.
- I want to be more intentional with my cooking/baking. I love cooking and baking, but lately I find it to be more of a chore. I want to find my love for it again.
- I want to intentionally spend quality time with my husband and family. I don't feel like this is something I have regrets about in 2015, but this is always something I want to make sure I do.
Basically, I feel like life has been a highway and I've just been rushed along with the traffic. I want to slow down and take the scenic route through life.
The new year also brings a renewal of hope and faith - my dreams may not have come true in 2015, but I never know what 2016 may hold. I am praying for miracles this year.
-MNM
*Ingress is an augmented reality game that requires physically visiting places, to interact with the "portals" in the app. This is best done on foot, and we've been known to clock several miles at a time!
Thursday, December 31, 2015
New Years Eve Reflections
Here it is, the last few hours of 2015. I'm not out partying like some are, nor am I celebrating like I typically do - at my grandfather's house with family, eating gumbo and shooting fireworks. Instead, I am at home, in my sweats, on the couch with my husband, both of us reading books (err, you know, before I started writing this post). It's quiet and cozy, and fits my state of mind.
I find myself really emotional about 2015 being over.* For the past few days I have even been getting choked up about it. And when people are like "yay for 2015 being over!", I'm just like "but... no. I'm not ready for a new year." It isn't about the year 2015 specifically. There was nothing spectacular about 2015 that makes me want it to stick around.
It's more about the passing of time. In the past, I've been excited about time passing, and looking forward to a new year and all it may hold. But for some reason, maybe simply because I'm getting older, this year it makes me melancholy.
Maybe it's because it's another year of being childless. Maybe it's because I have been overwhelmed with adjusting to working long hours. Maybe I feel more adult responsibility this year than in the past few, and sometimes I just want to be a kid again. Maybe I realize that life doesn't get easier as I get older, only harder and more scary. Maybe it's because I feel complacent.
And maybe I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same.
To be continued in tomorrow's post...
-MNM
*My husband says it's because I've been exhausted, and am just more emotional when I'm tired anyway. He's right.
I find myself really emotional about 2015 being over.* For the past few days I have even been getting choked up about it. And when people are like "yay for 2015 being over!", I'm just like "but... no. I'm not ready for a new year." It isn't about the year 2015 specifically. There was nothing spectacular about 2015 that makes me want it to stick around.
It's more about the passing of time. In the past, I've been excited about time passing, and looking forward to a new year and all it may hold. But for some reason, maybe simply because I'm getting older, this year it makes me melancholy.
Maybe it's because it's another year of being childless. Maybe it's because I have been overwhelmed with adjusting to working long hours. Maybe I feel more adult responsibility this year than in the past few, and sometimes I just want to be a kid again. Maybe I realize that life doesn't get easier as I get older, only harder and more scary. Maybe it's because I feel complacent.
And maybe I'm afraid 2016 will be more of the same.
To be continued in tomorrow's post...
-MNM
*My husband says it's because I've been exhausted, and am just more emotional when I'm tired anyway. He's right.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Surviving This Journey Through the Holidays
The holidays can be a really rough time emotionally for those going through infertility. And I'd imagine that most infertility bloggers will be posting about how hard it is, or how to cope.
But who am I kidding - every day can be really rough emotionally. It's not only the holidays that can trigger a moment of heartbreak. I can be just fine for weeks at a time, including through the majority of the holidays, but then something random will bring me to tears.
The holidays seem to bring with them a sense of "well, I hoped last Christmas would be my last without a child"... but I honestly feel that way about pretty much all holidays, mine and my husband's birthdays, and our anniversary. I tend to think "If I got pregnant right now, I'd be a mom by my next birthday", but also on the flip side - "because I'm not pregnant yet, I know that we won't have a child by our 5th anniversary."
I was reminded over the weekend how hard this time of year is for lots of people - especially those who have lost someone dear to them, and this is the first Christmas that they have to spend seemingly alone. You see, nothing has really changed for me. In fact, it's change that I long for. I don't want next Christmas to be the same as this Christmas, because I want there to be an additional small family member to celebrate with next year. But for those who have lost someone this year, everything is different for them, and they just wish it was all the way it's always been. I look forward to starting new traditions. They want to be able to continue all the old traditions, but they're just not the same, or they choose not to do them at all. I want to make new memories. Memories are all that they have.
I guess what I'm saying is that while this journey is hard all the time, I get through it. The holidays will be hard too, but I'll make the most of them, just like I always do. I dare to say that I will even enjoy them! And I will count myself blessed that Christmas will be the same as always for me this year.
-MNM
But who am I kidding - every day can be really rough emotionally. It's not only the holidays that can trigger a moment of heartbreak. I can be just fine for weeks at a time, including through the majority of the holidays, but then something random will bring me to tears.
The holidays seem to bring with them a sense of "well, I hoped last Christmas would be my last without a child"... but I honestly feel that way about pretty much all holidays, mine and my husband's birthdays, and our anniversary. I tend to think "If I got pregnant right now, I'd be a mom by my next birthday", but also on the flip side - "because I'm not pregnant yet, I know that we won't have a child by our 5th anniversary."
I was reminded over the weekend how hard this time of year is for lots of people - especially those who have lost someone dear to them, and this is the first Christmas that they have to spend seemingly alone. You see, nothing has really changed for me. In fact, it's change that I long for. I don't want next Christmas to be the same as this Christmas, because I want there to be an additional small family member to celebrate with next year. But for those who have lost someone this year, everything is different for them, and they just wish it was all the way it's always been. I look forward to starting new traditions. They want to be able to continue all the old traditions, but they're just not the same, or they choose not to do them at all. I want to make new memories. Memories are all that they have.
I guess what I'm saying is that while this journey is hard all the time, I get through it. The holidays will be hard too, but I'll make the most of them, just like I always do. I dare to say that I will even enjoy them! And I will count myself blessed that Christmas will be the same as always for me this year.
-MNM
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
What Defines You?
Do you ever feel like your parental status (whether or not you are a parent) defines you?
Over the years I've been defined as various things, but since getting married 4 1/2 years ago, I have felt defined by my childlessness. I mean, you get married, and you have kids, right? Unless you don't. And then you're at best questioned about it, and at worst judged for it (at least in my circles). Those who are parents don't know how to relate to you, because they left those days behind. People just don't know quite how to treat you. You're not a kid, nor are you a parent. So where do you fall?
While I have felt this way a while now, it was only recently that I formed it into the complete thought of being defined by it. I was having a conversation while visiting my in-laws, and the sweet soul I was talking to was cautiously asking about my infertility. I reassured her that I don't mind talking about it. I don't avoid talking about it, but, I'm unlikely to start the conversation myself, because I don't want to be known as both the person who has no kids, and the one who talks about it all the time. I don't want it to define me. I also recently came across a post from Resolve: The National Infertility Association, that just said "I choose not to be", and my first thought was "defined by my infertility."
There is more to me than whether or not I am a parent. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt. A friend, a co-worker, a caregiver, a teacher. I am a child of God. There are a lot of things I am, and a lot of things I'm not. It just so happens that "mother" is not one of my titles.
Please, when it comes to your friends who don't have children, remember them as one of the many things they are besides childless. Your relationship will benefit from it!
-MNM
Disclaimer: I'm sure that parents sometimes feel their own version of this. I just can't address that side of it.
Over the years I've been defined as various things, but since getting married 4 1/2 years ago, I have felt defined by my childlessness. I mean, you get married, and you have kids, right? Unless you don't. And then you're at best questioned about it, and at worst judged for it (at least in my circles). Those who are parents don't know how to relate to you, because they left those days behind. People just don't know quite how to treat you. You're not a kid, nor are you a parent. So where do you fall?
While I have felt this way a while now, it was only recently that I formed it into the complete thought of being defined by it. I was having a conversation while visiting my in-laws, and the sweet soul I was talking to was cautiously asking about my infertility. I reassured her that I don't mind talking about it. I don't avoid talking about it, but, I'm unlikely to start the conversation myself, because I don't want to be known as both the person who has no kids, and the one who talks about it all the time. I don't want it to define me. I also recently came across a post from Resolve: The National Infertility Association, that just said "I choose not to be", and my first thought was "defined by my infertility."
There is more to me than whether or not I am a parent. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt. A friend, a co-worker, a caregiver, a teacher. I am a child of God. There are a lot of things I am, and a lot of things I'm not. It just so happens that "mother" is not one of my titles.
Please, when it comes to your friends who don't have children, remember them as one of the many things they are besides childless. Your relationship will benefit from it!
-MNM
Disclaimer: I'm sure that parents sometimes feel their own version of this. I just can't address that side of it.
Monday, September 7, 2015
When Your Job Is Worth More Than Just The Paycheck
Know what makes the infertility journey easier? Staying busy with other things that make you happy!
For me recently, that has been my job.
A year and a half ago I mentioned in this post that I had come to the realization that it was time for me to move on, instead of just staying in the "waiting to be a mother" state. For me, at that time, that meant being willing to consider taking a full time job. Said job did not pan out, and I ended up working at a summer camp that I worked at a few years as a teenager. I enjoy that job, and worked a lot of hours, so it helped pay bills, but I did not feel like I was "moving on" at all. After day camp ended, I had 2 weeks of adjusting back to essentially having nothing to do, besides household stuff. (And since there are only 2 of us, there's not a lot of that to do. You can only clean the house and do laundry so many times.) During those two weeks I had a lot more "valley" days. Days where I just simply had too much time to think, to dwell on my circumstances - in other words, I was having a pity party. I was reminded again that it was time to move on.
At the beginning of August 2014, I put in an application for a part time position at the learning center where my husband works. 3 days later I had an interview/job offer and 3 days after that I started working.
This is the first "real" job - the first time I've had to dress professionally, the first job that I've felt like a grown-up, and the highest paying job - I've ever had. Before now, everything else has been babysitting or camp style jobs, which are perfectly fine (and fun!) in their own way. But when the job dress code is "wear our t-shirt", it doesn't scream "career opportunity", heh. But this job could potentially be just that. If I wanted to pursue it, this job could lead to career opportunities. And that still blows my mind a little bit, because I never saw myself as having a career.
There are many things that I love about this job - the purpose of the whole company, the kids I work with, my co-workers, the atmosphere. And I could expound on why I love each of those aspects of the job. But what has stood out to me the most is the general feeling I get working there.
For a long time I've felt like I'm in this really uncomfortable place of not sure whether I am a kid or an adult. I'm not saying that other people treat me this way - it's my own mindset. I often feel inferior to those who are older than me, or better educated, or... fill in the blank. Come to think of it, it's something I've dealt with me whole life - feeling inferior. It's not necessarily a lack of self confidence, and in some ways it may be a form of pride.
But I digress.
At this new job I feel like I'm part of the team. I am treated as an equal.
Last year I worked part time as a special ed assistant. I learned so much, and loved what I was doing. But when I found out that the company was planning on providing child care for employee's babies/toddlers, I realized that was something I wanted to do even more. While I love working with children of all ages, babies/toddlers is where my passion really lies. After mentioning to a couple of co-workers several times that I would love to work in that position, I finally decided to talk to my boss about it. She gave me the ok, and here I am! I spent all summer excited about getting to take care of babies all year.
So, now, while my place of employment is the same, there have been several changes - not only did my position change, but I am also working full time now, instead of part time. There has been (and still is) a lot of adjusting. But I love being the "school/nursery mom". I appreciate the relationships I am forming with the mothers. I knew them before as coworkers, but it's different now. We have a different kind of connection.
And the babies themselves - they are my joy. I love them to pieces. I consider myself lucky to get to spend all day with them. They are good for my soul. And even on bad days, their smiles and giggles make me smile. Not everyone understands exactly how deep my passion for young children lies, and I can't really even explain it. Everyone loves babies. But I love caring for babies.
These days not only do I not have time to dwell on my infertility, or have a pity party, but I also get a healing dose of my loves every day :)
-MNM
PS. I've been sitting on the draft of this post for a year now. Obviously there have been a lot of edits to make it current, but the overall feeling is still the same!
For me recently, that has been my job.
A year and a half ago I mentioned in this post that I had come to the realization that it was time for me to move on, instead of just staying in the "waiting to be a mother" state. For me, at that time, that meant being willing to consider taking a full time job. Said job did not pan out, and I ended up working at a summer camp that I worked at a few years as a teenager. I enjoy that job, and worked a lot of hours, so it helped pay bills, but I did not feel like I was "moving on" at all. After day camp ended, I had 2 weeks of adjusting back to essentially having nothing to do, besides household stuff. (And since there are only 2 of us, there's not a lot of that to do. You can only clean the house and do laundry so many times.) During those two weeks I had a lot more "valley" days. Days where I just simply had too much time to think, to dwell on my circumstances - in other words, I was having a pity party. I was reminded again that it was time to move on.
At the beginning of August 2014, I put in an application for a part time position at the learning center where my husband works. 3 days later I had an interview/job offer and 3 days after that I started working.
This is the first "real" job - the first time I've had to dress professionally, the first job that I've felt like a grown-up, and the highest paying job - I've ever had. Before now, everything else has been babysitting or camp style jobs, which are perfectly fine (and fun!) in their own way. But when the job dress code is "wear our t-shirt", it doesn't scream "career opportunity", heh. But this job could potentially be just that. If I wanted to pursue it, this job could lead to career opportunities. And that still blows my mind a little bit, because I never saw myself as having a career.
There are many things that I love about this job - the purpose of the whole company, the kids I work with, my co-workers, the atmosphere. And I could expound on why I love each of those aspects of the job. But what has stood out to me the most is the general feeling I get working there.
For a long time I've felt like I'm in this really uncomfortable place of not sure whether I am a kid or an adult. I'm not saying that other people treat me this way - it's my own mindset. I often feel inferior to those who are older than me, or better educated, or... fill in the blank. Come to think of it, it's something I've dealt with me whole life - feeling inferior. It's not necessarily a lack of self confidence, and in some ways it may be a form of pride.
But I digress.
At this new job I feel like I'm part of the team. I am treated as an equal.
Last year I worked part time as a special ed assistant. I learned so much, and loved what I was doing. But when I found out that the company was planning on providing child care for employee's babies/toddlers, I realized that was something I wanted to do even more. While I love working with children of all ages, babies/toddlers is where my passion really lies. After mentioning to a couple of co-workers several times that I would love to work in that position, I finally decided to talk to my boss about it. She gave me the ok, and here I am! I spent all summer excited about getting to take care of babies all year.
So, now, while my place of employment is the same, there have been several changes - not only did my position change, but I am also working full time now, instead of part time. There has been (and still is) a lot of adjusting. But I love being the "school/nursery mom". I appreciate the relationships I am forming with the mothers. I knew them before as coworkers, but it's different now. We have a different kind of connection.
And the babies themselves - they are my joy. I love them to pieces. I consider myself lucky to get to spend all day with them. They are good for my soul. And even on bad days, their smiles and giggles make me smile. Not everyone understands exactly how deep my passion for young children lies, and I can't really even explain it. Everyone loves babies. But I love caring for babies.
These days not only do I not have time to dwell on my infertility, or have a pity party, but I also get a healing dose of my loves every day :)
-MNM
PS. I've been sitting on the draft of this post for a year now. Obviously there have been a lot of edits to make it current, but the overall feeling is still the same!