Contentment? Resignation?

Lately I've just been so tired of the whole infertility journey. I'm tired of trying, yet failing every month. I don't want to do it anymore. I want it to be over.
But then I realized that I'm ok. Right here, where I'm at. Not a parent. Without children. I am OK.  Today I don't feel like I am just waiting. I feel like this is my life, and I will live it here and now. I am not expecting to be pregnant every month, and my mind is not always in "when we have kids" mode. 

    In the past few weeks, 3 people in my infertility community (one a blogger I kind of follow, one in an online group I'm in and one a real-life friend), have announced their pregnancy.  From what I understand, all three were a surprise (meaning they were not a result of a specific treatment, because if they were infertile, of course it was a surprise!).  In the IF community it's always a sensitive thing when a member becomes pregnant, because while there is much reason to rejoice, she has been part of the IF community for long enough to know that when she announces her pregnancy, others in the community are going to be hurt.  But even under those circumstances, I was ok. In fact, I was thrilled for them (unlike some infertiles who become bitter when anyone besides them gets pregnant.  Which I don't understand, and could write a whole other blog post on.  Actually I already have written it, and it's sitting in my draft folder, and won't ever be posted because all it really is is a rant)! Yes, there were a few "why not me" thoughts, but I chose to be encouraged - that's three people who were in the same boat as me who have now achieved what seems hopeless!
 
    There are still things that trigger sadness - like when I called in sick to work with flu symptoms and three different people asked if I was pregnant. Or when I have a dream about someone else close to me being pregnant (even though there's no possible way they could be).  Those things still get me down.  But overall, I'm ok.

     I didn't feel this way last month, and might not tomorrow. I know the "waiting" feeling will come and go. But today I am OK with where I am. I don't know if this is contentment or resignation (or even how much difference there is sometimes) but either way I think it's progress.

-MNM

The Real Question

In my last post I asked myself the question "What if the answer is 'no' - will I be OK?" But during a sermon I heard recently, I was convicted  that I was asking the wrong question, focused on the wrong thing.
The question I need to be considering is "If the answer is no, will I still trust God?"  If I can not honestly answer that question with "of course", then I have some serious reevaluating to do in my life.  If my faith/trust in God is dependent on Him doing (or giving me) what I want, or think He should do, that's not actually faith or trust.  I'm not sure what it is, but it's certainly not trusting that He is in control and knows what's best for me.  

And I do believe that.  I believe that He is in control, and will do what is best for me.  Even when I may not understand. 

-MNM

I Know Who You Are

    "Will we ever have children?  Will I ever be a mother?"  I ask God this sometimes.  And sometimes I'm faced with "what if the answer is 'no'?"  What if I never do have children.  Never get to be a mother.  Will I be ok?
    The thought terrifies me.  It breaks my heart.  And I realize that no, I will not be ok if I never get to be a mother. I would be devastated.
    Ultimately the answer may just be "not yet".  But as far as I know, it's"no".  And I'm not ok.  I mean, I'm not in serious depression all the time, nor do I think about it all the time.  Most of the time I can be ok.  But I'm not ok with the concept of never being a mother.

    My prayer lately has been that I will be ok with it.  That I will be able to accept whatever God's plan for me may be - Mother or not.  I can't do this. He has to.  It will only be by His grace and miraculous power, which I fully believe in, that I will be ok with never being a mother.

    I cling to His truth, His promises, His faithfulness.  Because that's all I have left.  Because I know it is true. I don't know what He's doing, but  I do  know who my God is, and I know what He is capable of.

-MNM

Autumnal Equinox

    Today is the official first day of fall, and while the beginning of fall in South Louisiana may still mean temps in the mid 80's, there is a cool breeze, and very low humidity, so I'll take what I can get.  I also realize that tomorrow may be in the 90's, with 85% humidity again, but at least now we have hope that summer will eventually be over!

    A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in with our youth group for their Bible Study, and their challenge was to spend time outside and listen for what God was telling them through His creation.  This may be 2 weeks later, but today I was able to do just that.

    As a new season starts, I am reminded of the different seasons in our lives. In one aspect, my husband and I have just entered a new season, as we both have steady jobs now, and are starting to feel a bit of stability for the first time.  I am thankful for this season. And while I long for the day that the seasons changing in our lives will be because we are becoming parents, I will take each season as it comes.  Too many season changes at a time would be overwhelming anyway! I trust that God will bring about each change in season at the exact right time - just as He does with the earth's changing seasons.  Because those do come right on time, no matter how much too late (or early) we think they are!  The same goes for our lives.  We think something should have happened by now (for instance: I think I should be a mother by now), or shouldn't have happened yet, but God's timing is perfect. We may or may not end up seeing why this time was better than that time - that is where trust comes in. As I heard in a sermon recently "It's not trusting God until you do what He says."  For my life, that translates into "trust starts when I leave it in His hands."


To fully appreciate this gorgeous day, I am spending the afternoon in my backyard - journaling, blogging, reading, sending messages to people I need to keep in touch with better...
Today is a blessing, and I am thankful for it.

Happy Autumnal Equinox!

-MNM

PS. To those of you who reading this who have full blown fall right now -
1. I'm jealous.
2. We're going to visit family in the midwest next week and I can't wait for the legit gorgeous fallness!

Glorious Unfolding

This song.  The story of my life has definitely not gone as I've planned it so far. This song speaks the hope I hold on to.  

                                           The Glorious Unfolding

Lay your head down tonight

Take a rest from the fight

Don’t try to figure it out

Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart

‘Cause I know this is not

Anything like you thought

The story of your life was gonna be

And it feels like the end has started closing in on you

But it’s just not true

There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start

For this world and your heart

Has been to show His glory and His grace

Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of

His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever

Singing songs to our Savior and King

So let us remember this life we’re living

Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding

We will watch and see and we will be amazed

If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over

And hold on to every promise God has made to us

We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)

This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

-MNM

Chocolate Chip Banana Pistachio Muffins

    In our house Fridays include "breakfast for dinner".  We'll usually have eggs of some sort, maybe bacon, and some kind of carby-goodness.  The past few weeks I've been making muffins, because the leftovers make for a good quick breakfast when we both have to go to work in the mornings (I got a new job!  More on that in another post, hopefully before too long).  I've been wanting to make banana bread for a few weeks, but kept forgetting to buy bananas!  I finally remembered to pick some up while grocery shopping, so this is what I came up with for our breakfast for dinner tonight: Chocolate Chip Banana Pistachio Muffins!   I love everything about banana bread - the smell, the taste, the texture.  These did not disappoint in any of these aspects!

    I always put my muffins in paper liners, if I have them, to simplify clean up.  I made a dozen muffins with this recipe, then poured the rest of the batter into a small (3x7 or something like that) Pyrex baking dish.

    I don't know where I found the original  banana bread recipe, but I made several changes to it, so here's my version:

Chocolate Chip Banana Pistachio Muffins

1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt 

2 eggs

1 cup mashed ripe bananas

1/2 cup butter, melted

1 cup honey

1/3 cup water

1/2 cup shelled pistachios, chopped 

1/3 cup chocolate chips

In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking soda and salt. In another bowl, combine the eggs, bananas, butter, honey, and water. Stir into the dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in pistachios and chocolate chips. Spoon  into greased muffin tins. Bake at 350 degrees F for 15-20 minutes or until top is firm when pressed with finger.  Makes approximately 1 1/2 dozen muffins

Let me know if you decide to make them and how they turn out, along with any tweaks you make!
-MNM

Lagniappe

    For my non-southern readers:
Lagniappe (pronounced lan-yap) is a word that we use that means "a little bit extra" or "everything thing else".  It's similar to both "a baker's dozen" and "miscellaneous", but kind of encompasses them both.  It's an extremely useful word, and I use it all the time!

That being said, I will be writing a few lagniappe posts - posts that don't have anything to do with infertility, but do have to do with my life! Hope you enjoy them :)

-MNM