You Are Not Alone

    Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility?  That's an alarmingly high number. Yet, when you're going through it, you feel so alone.
The theme for this years National Infertility Awareness Week is You Are Not Alone.  When I first started to get an inkling that having kids wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, I didn't know of anyone in my generation who had any trouble. I didn't have anyone to talk to that would truly understand what I was going through.  As I started paying more attention to those around me, I started to realize how many of them were also dealing with this.  And as I became more vocal about my own infertility, numerous other people would open up to me about how they were going through the same journey.  It was so many.  Each time I heard of someone else going through the same thing I was, my heart would break a little for them, because I don't want anyone to have to suffer this way.  But I also was encouraged, because I knew I wasn't alone.  Here were other women who knew what I was going through.  Sure, we all had slightly different stories, but we all longed to have a baby, and none of us were able to.
    I now have a community of people who know what I'm going through, and I can turn to them, simply in tears sometimes, and they will understand.  They know what to say and what not to say.  They know the pain that I can't put in to words. They just know.  And I know that I am not alone.
    I have also been blessed to receive the love ad support I have from those who may not be infertile, but simply love me and want me to know the desires of my heart.  I am so grateful that they are praying for me.  Some of them I know I can talk to about my infertility, without it being weird.  With others, there doesn't need to be any conversation.  I just know that they are there for me.

    To my infertile sisters - There are others around you who know your pain. And there are many who love and support you, even without knowing your pain.  If I personally can do anything at all for you, please reach out.  Especially those who may still be hiding their infertility.  It's such a lonely place.

But you (we) are not alone.

-MNM

A Note to You

To my dear friends who are yet to be mothers,
    Whether you are newly married, soon-to-be married, single, or too young to even be thinking about  getting married, I am praying for you.  I am praying for your fertility. That may sound really weird and too personal, but all it really means is that I am praying that you may never, ever, have difficulty having children.  That you may never have to experience the journey that I am going through.  I have always felt burdened to pray for the soon-to-be married and the newly married, for the many adjustments that were going to be made.  But recently, I have started adding this to my prayers for you. And then I think about my younger sisters, and other young friends of mine, and my heart breaks at the thought of you having to go through this.  So I pray earnestly for you as well.
    Very few people that I know go into their marriage thinking that it may be a struggle to have children.  I never dreamed that 4 years into our marriage we would still be childless. I never wanted to, nor had any inclination that I would, be 26 years old, and my husband 30, without children.  I had all the same dreams that you do, from meeting the man of my dreams, to my wedding and marriage, and then children.  Please, don't give up on those hopes and dreams.  Hold on to them.  Just be ready to trust God if He has different plans for you.

Rejoice

    I realized recently that most of the pregnant women I know are first time mothers. They are planning baby showers, and finding out the gender of their baby.  I think about them as mothers, and imagine what their child will look like - and I smile.  I can think of 5 soon-to-be mothers, 3 of whom had trouble conceiving.   Today, I rejoice for them.

    As those who have walked my path will know, a lot of days it's hard to rejoice for those who have achieved what I have not.  Too much of the time I lament that it's not me.  I don't begrudge them their pregnancy, I just question why it can work out for them, but not for me.

    But not today.  Today I simply rejoice for them.  I can't wait to meet their sweet little ones, or at least see pictures.

    And today my tears or not tears of despair, but of joy, mixed with only a little sadness.

-MNM

Plus or Minus

    "Infertility is not just an illness. ...It is a whole-life experience that encompasses our marriages, our relationships, and our faith."

    I was recently given a copy of the newly released e-book Plus or Minus (written by Matt and Cheri Appling,  published by Moody Publishers), in exchange for writing a review on it.  I'll be writing an Amazon review as well, but this book was worth more than just an Amazon review.
    This book follows the story of 3 different couples who were faced with infertility, and their journeys. I related to each couple in one way or another (and not the least reason being because they are from Kansas City and New Orleans, both of which I have ties to). The quote that I started the post out with was the first of many  that stood out to me - that I would have underlined, if it had been a physical book- and it was just in the introduction!
    The authors do a great job of including personal stories, scientific/medical facts, and spiritual application. They cover how infertility affects our faith in God, our marriages, and our relationships with others (and the world in general).  The balance between these topics makes it relatable, informative, and thought provoking.
    I found myself crying as I related to the hard things, but also when the couples experienced joyful moments.  I laughed at some of their comical experiences.
    And ultimately, the best review I can give,  I found myself driven to my knees in prayer once I finished it.
    I recommend this book to any who may be facing their own infertility journey, and for any who are watching their loved ones go through this journey and would like to understand a  little bit better.

-MNM

"Instead, For Now"

Almost a month ago I posted about how I had reached a place of contentment.
    2 weeks ago I went through a day or two of having that mindset tested, as I found out even more people who have struggled to conceive are now pregnant.  Thankfully, I realized quickly that I was being tested, and that made me even more determined to keep the same attitude.
    This week, I feel like God is showing me something even more specific. At church this weekend, I very clearly felt that God was telling me that where I am right now is exactly where He wants me.  But it was even more specific than that.  Bear with me as I try to explain.  It wasn't just "yes, you are in the right place."  It was "where you are right now, working with these kids in the classroom setting, that is where I want to use your mothering/nurturing passions. Instead of with your own children for now."  I was in tears. I don't often hear God's voice so clearly and specifically. I love my job (and "my" kids), so this was confirmation that I am in God's will right now.  But oh, how I struggle with the "instead" part. You see, while I'm happy where I am, I would still rather be a mom right now. And hearing God say "instead, for now" makes me wonder how long He will have me wait.  But then again, it also kind of confirms that it just hasn't been the right time for us to have kids yet (which is what we've felt all along, and why we haven't pursued treatment).
    For now, I'm resting in His will, and trusting His plan. And I will love and nurture  my students as best I can!

-MNM

Contentment? Resignation?

Lately I've just been so tired of the whole infertility journey. I'm tired of trying, yet failing every month. I don't want to do it anymore. I want it to be over.
But then I realized that I'm ok. Right here, where I'm at. Not a parent. Without children. I am OK.  Today I don't feel like I am just waiting. I feel like this is my life, and I will live it here and now. I am not expecting to be pregnant every month, and my mind is not always in "when we have kids" mode. 

    In the past few weeks, 3 people in my infertility community (one a blogger I kind of follow, one in an online group I'm in and one a real-life friend), have announced their pregnancy.  From what I understand, all three were a surprise (meaning they were not a result of a specific treatment, because if they were infertile, of course it was a surprise!).  In the IF community it's always a sensitive thing when a member becomes pregnant, because while there is much reason to rejoice, she has been part of the IF community for long enough to know that when she announces her pregnancy, others in the community are going to be hurt.  But even under those circumstances, I was ok. In fact, I was thrilled for them (unlike some infertiles who become bitter when anyone besides them gets pregnant.  Which I don't understand, and could write a whole other blog post on.  Actually I already have written it, and it's sitting in my draft folder, and won't ever be posted because all it really is is a rant)! Yes, there were a few "why not me" thoughts, but I chose to be encouraged - that's three people who were in the same boat as me who have now achieved what seems hopeless!
 
    There are still things that trigger sadness - like when I called in sick to work with flu symptoms and three different people asked if I was pregnant. Or when I have a dream about someone else close to me being pregnant (even though there's no possible way they could be).  Those things still get me down.  But overall, I'm ok.

     I didn't feel this way last month, and might not tomorrow. I know the "waiting" feeling will come and go. But today I am OK with where I am. I don't know if this is contentment or resignation (or even how much difference there is sometimes) but either way I think it's progress.

-MNM

The Real Question

In my last post I asked myself the question "What if the answer is 'no' - will I be OK?" But during a sermon I heard recently, I was convicted  that I was asking the wrong question, focused on the wrong thing.
The question I need to be considering is "If the answer is no, will I still trust God?"  If I can not honestly answer that question with "of course", then I have some serious reevaluating to do in my life.  If my faith/trust in God is dependent on Him doing (or giving me) what I want, or think He should do, that's not actually faith or trust.  I'm not sure what it is, but it's certainly not trusting that He is in control and knows what's best for me.  

And I do believe that.  I believe that He is in control, and will do what is best for me.  Even when I may not understand. 

-MNM